Today My HERO Died

Today my one and only real hero stepped on through to the other side. My hero's name you ask? Professor Randy Pauch.

In case you don't know who he is, he was the energetic, beautiful man that gave "The Last Lecture" at the Carnegie Mellon University at Pittsburgh where he was a professor.

His body was consumed with cancer, his life and time limited, but what he left behind was even more than a simple gift of true love for humankind. He left us the ultimate gifts of courage, hope, humor. He shared with us the heartbreak, laughter, dreams of adventure, faith, teaching us that life in its fullness is good.

I have been saying a lot, mostly to my kids lately that we are given gifts in our life, we are born with them, it is like a toolbox of life. It is our choice how we use the tools. We are given everything we need to survive and become whatever we want to become, well I believe that Randy Pauch knew how to use the tools and he tried desperately to teach us how to use them. He said once that as we progress through life there are roadblocks and brick walls, they are put there for a reason, we are suppose to knock them down, that is part of our purpose, our learning process. I guess that is one of the major reasons I loved this man, it is the way I have always felt about life. Too bad I didn't listen sooner, and learn how to use my tools.

Randy was enormous. It is as if he was a good soul that was on loan to us. He is gone now and will be sadly missed by this person but I do understand the process and I know that his energy abounds. I will continue to pray for his wife and children so that they may seek comfort in their time of need.

On Tuesday night, ABC will be airing a 2 hr special on Randy Pauch. I strongly urge you to watch it, even after his death he is leaving a strong message and I guarantee you will benefit some way in your life if you watch it and listen. Even if you are as healthy as an ox you will benefit.

Peace and Love Randy, enjoy your journey.

Chemo, Pedicures, Manicures, Steakhouse Blues and Beads! OH MY!!!

Yesterday I went for my new chemo regime that will be for the next 12 weeks every week. The new drug of choice is Taxol. This one takes 3 hrs tops to get er done. They gave me some pre meds like Benedryl, Dexamethasone, and Lorazepam and Zofran along with some saline. This stuff almost put me in dreamland but my daughter was with me so she kept me awake. The pre meds are to keep me from getting sick from the new poison. The nurse gave me a print out, which I glanced over a little and she asked me some questions. The head nurse came over and gave me some cute little caps she was saving for me. That was sweet of her, I guess she is tired of my old ones lol but I do have my favorites. The girls there are so nice!

Afterwards I wanted to come home and take a nap but my darling 7yr old grand daughter is here so...........she and Tama decided that G'ma needed a pedicure and manicure. We went and we all got our toe nails and finger nails done.

Mai and I got patrotic and got flags on our big toes and thumbs and red with sparkles on the rest except I got fireworks on my fingernail. Tama wasn't that adventurous but still stylish. I had to be a kid of course and entertain my Mai! I got to say that pedicure thing is the way to go! You sit in a massage chair, soaking your feet in a bubble jet and this Korean girl comes and descales your feet and massages your calves and feet then she does the cuticles and cuts and files. It is so relaxing. Wish I could do it more often. I don't know what it cost but I would bet more than $100.00 for the three of us. Tama was feeling wealthy after working a 40 hr. week with 70 hrs. overtime. She is exausted but having fun with the money. You can see how swollen my hands and feet are due to the chemo and, I still have old and ugly feet and hands but hey I used them alot!

After all that we went to the Japaneese Steakhouse for dinner. It is called Osaka's. Awsome food, and way more than any of us could eat. I brought alot of it home and it will feed me a week but if it isn't gone in 3 days out it goes. I suppose I could freeze it. Tama took home 3 containers and when she woke up this morning it was all gone! Her boyfriend and his buddies got the munchies sometime durrning the night while she was finally sleeping. She wasn't so happy about that so I offered her mine but she wouldn't take it. I think when my big Sissy and my Neice come we should go there, my neice is a vegetarian and I think she would like it besides it is way cool, they cook the food in front of you on a huge grill and it is so entertaining! They do have meat for us carnivors though and seafood if you want it.

When we got back Tama left for the night and Mai and I made paper beads until 10pm. I put her to bed, she camped out on my bedroom floor, we made her a bed with the couch cushions and she was comfy. I was exausted but so wound up and couldn't sleep. I stayed up until 2am reading. Got up bright and early this am and now I can't wait for bedtime! I am still jittery from the chemo though so who knows if I will sleep. Wish me luck!

Ok so here's the deal. I was sick as hell the last few days but seem to be alright now. I am still feeling the effects of the last chemo, and I am so glad that it was the last of that particular poison. I think another and it would have landed me in the local hospital Hilton. My blood pressure is still flip flopping and my guts still feel like they are being turned inside out but I am better!

On a happy note, I retrieved my Momma from the hospital yesterday. Her surgery was a week ago today and my God she is unbelievable! She is sore as heck, this time they used staples. Yes they look just like the ones we load into our staple guns to tack up wood and stuff. She has a strong appetite and is content, the only thing I know that would make her happier is that if she got expanded cable. She only wants it so she can watch the rest of race season but when I go visit today I will ask her if she wants me to order it for her.

Oh did I mention that my hair is trying to grow back? yup I have about 1/4 inch of white stuff. Yes white, I think maybe my red hair is gone forever. We will see, the doc told me not to get use to it because the next round of chemo will most likely fry it off again. In spite of the lack of hair, it is still HOT but I blame that on the Florida weather.

Well that is about it for today, have not done much to write about. I did work on a few crafty things here and there and will try to post them on my other blog sometime today.

I May Have Crashed, But I Didn't Burn!

NOTE * If your here to see the Queen of the Night she is on the other blog about art and you can get there by clicking the link on the top right of this page.



Well what a exciting day! Started as usual, me causing a ruckus in the chemo room. I swear they are just too stoic in there! So Tama and I were talking and laughing and soon everyone in the room joined in. My "new" nurse said oh I see we have a comic in the house, my reply was oh yes they book me every three weeks, to provide you with quality entertainment. The regular nurse Kristin was there and she pipes in "oh we have missed you!"
There was a conversation about cows going on it was so dang funny I had tears running down my cheeks. A couple of the nurses that bring supplies in were talking about their pet chickens, which led to pet cows and they were trying to one up each other. Well the one nurse started talking about the names she gave her cows Mr. T and Elsie the other one say well my cowssssssssss names are Bar B Que, Brisket and Rump Roast. Why the heck I found this so funny I don't know but I couldn't let it go. But I can't help but wonder what they call the pigs!

So on with the Crash

Had my last of the koolaid (adyramycin, cyotoxin) cocktail today and my body objected heavily. I really didn't know it, I was too busy trying to keep focused on my panicked daughters face, and was speaking in a forign language obviously because no one knew what the heck I was saying, including me lol.

My blood pressure dropped suddenly from 147/87 to 99/62, I was cold, then hot, then cold ping ponging. I stopped breathing according to the machine but I swear once again I was breathing just fine, slower maybe but breathing. The heart monitor said my heart was going wonky. The questions were do you have heart problems, no I say none - what? answer the question! I did answer the damm question NO HEART PROBLEMS! ok roger that.

The nurse is a tattle tale too she is going to call the doctor and tell him how I am so he knows when I go for my shot tomorrow. Kill joy!

Well it turns out that it was either from not eating before chemo, or because the nurse was pushing it in too hard and fast. Who knows but I am ok now and don't remember that much. After that my daughter took me to lunch at Quiznos.

So any way that is done and I am happy. In three weeks I will start 12 (not 10 as origionally told) weekly treatments of Taxol. Another chemo. The doctor said it will be like a walk in the park compared to this. The nurse said, yeah well you will loose anymore hair you may have, and your nails could fall off, you could break out ect. Everyone reacts differently she said, and you will have compazine with it.
This nurse is so full of hope. She needs some "Moon" style lessons on her bedside manner to be sure, but hey guess you can't be mad at the messenger.

The one think I hope it doesn't affect is the brain cells, I am having alot of trouble with remembering what I did, when I did it and sometimes I just don't care enough to remember because well ...... I don't remember! LOL such is life and it will go on.

YeeeeeeHawwwww! sometimes ya just gotta grab life by the balls and run!

On a Positive Note!

I got some really GREAT new today! I went to the doctor and the doctor said....... next week will be your last A/C treatment! He said I only had to have the four (4) count em of the A/C. After this last one, in 3 weeks I will start the next one, of Taxol for 10 weeks uggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's once a week for ten weeks and then if all is good I will be done with the chemo phase of the treatments. He said that the taxol is like a walk in the park compared to the A/C so I am counting on his expertise. Hopefully it won't make me sick.

My hair is actually trying to grow, little fuzzies but not sure if I will keep it. The doc said probably not. My eyelashes are thinning in spots but I am an expert at mascara and hide it well.

I've Got Chemo Brain...What's Your Excuse?

Ok I am convinced it is official, chemo brain has set in. I have always been proficient at multitasking, lately I am lucky if I can remember one little thing. Regular stuff seems like a far reach lately, like remebering if I just went to the bathroom for instance. Funny you would think any normal person would know lol it is sneeking into my brain cells. Another thing, who thought that watercolors actually bleed? why in the world would water make them run? Oh my! If that isn't enough I added more sugar and creamer to my already fixed cuppa, yuck! I do not like that much goo in my java.

On a more positive note, I woke up this morning with Bob Marley singing to me, yup at 5:15am he was singing the song "Every Little Things Gonna Be Allrightttt" of course once I was awake I realized he wasn't really in my bedroom playing his guitar. Now that song, like a worm, is stuck in my head weaving it's way throughout my day. I did go back to sleep until 7:30 wondering if I pee'd or not? who knows? but I do know that Bob Marley is still singing to me! and I have to pee.

I hear that reading, and art makes the boogy man go away, I have been trying that. So far the study I am performing is unfounded. What am I reading you ask? hell if I know I can't find my book!

I think I will get my shower and visit my Momma today, I think she is wanting to go to Wal-Greens, hope we can find the store!

PS I had to come back, I forgot to tell you that the baby should be here on the 6th, providing Ama doesn't do anything stupid like go into labor before that!

Grandma Again (almost)

Wow looks like I may be a Grandma again by the weekend! I am worried to death about it because my daughter has a condition called placenta previa. She is on strict bed rest until Friday when the doctor will decide if she will have a C-Section and which day they pick. Of course you who know Ama, knows that she is kicking and screaming about all this. For instance, the bed rest that she was ordered on? well that will start today even though the order was given two days ago. Why? because Ama said "she had things to do!" If I could smack her rear I would just to set her in line! She is scared of the C-Sec and no amount of Mom talk or Sis talk is helping her with that. I wish I could be there with her at this time.

Her little sister is trying to make plans to go up there, and no one is talking. I think she plans on staying and is afraid to tell me that. I did see her post on myspace though and that is the indication. I think she should go, and get out of this town and try to make a new life but, and there is one...I wish she would go to another part of the state. She and her sis will not get along for very long when they live in close proximity to each other. No one will miss her as much as me, I cry just thinking about it but I do want whats best for her, so she will never know. She doesn't read this blog, because she doesn't know about it so I can say what I want here lol.

Today will be my third chemo. I dread this process, and in the back of my mind I am afraid of this time. I don't have a clue why, maybe it is because yesterday the nurses at the hospital kept asking me how I feel, and if I was sick ect. It is kind of like when you go out and party and drink way too much and make yourself sick. Why would ya? well that is how I feel about chemo. It is much the same feeling. I did get some more drugs (just what I needed) to deal with the aftereffects. The trouble is that one of them makes me super susceptible to any kind of germs, so what now am I suppose to live in a bubble? Just call me bubbles now there's a thought!

So I may sound a little bummed today, but there is light at the end of this somewhere I just have to find it, and find it I will. Still believing that everything happens for a reason, I have to try and keep a light heart

As If I Didn't Have Enough!

Wow is all I can say right now. Our family took another hit below the belt yesterday. I took my Mom to get her checkup and colonoscopy and heard the dreaded words "her cancer is back". I guess I knew in my heart that is the news we would hear, because I knew it was only a matter of time.

Two years ago she found out about the cancer, had a resection and was declared cancer free. She opted for no additional treatment - no chemo or rads. I was like ok with it because she was cancer free. I still thought that it would come back one day and it has hung like a cloud for 2 years.

I am not sure how I am suppose to juggle my treatments and her crisis at this point but I have to think it will all work out. She will be having surgery as soon as possible, the doctor will call to set it up as soon as the labs confirm what he said was 95% sure to be.

So it is a sad day around here, I hate to see her go through this again. She is 83 and a strong woman but at 83 I am not sure how much her little body can take. I can't help but wonder if she "knew" and didn't complain because of my situation. I suppose I will never know for sure.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had
only two hairs on her head."H-M-M," she said,"I think I'll part my
hair down the middle today?"
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she
had only one hair on her head."Well," she said,"today I'm going to
wear my hair in a pony tail."So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that
there wasn't a single hair on her head."YEA!" she exclaimed,"I don't
have to fix my hair today!"

Don't try this at home!

Got Cancer?

Here is a little movie to explain a few things. It embodies the way you must feel in order to survive.

The Survivor Movie

I have just come off a 5 day Chemo drunk as I call it. I was good on thursday, and ok on friday then all hell broke loose. Sick and sicker but thanks to the powers that be I am feeling quite well today! I call it a chemo drunk because it feels alot like morning sickness, motion sickness, then hangover from when you drank way too much. We have all been there right? well maybe not but I have and now I am revisiting that old sick feeling without the benefit of the night before. LOL

I will say this, it had better work this shot because I will not be doing this again. I have 19 more fricken weeks to go, and I won't give up but by then enough will be enough. After this I have to get that thing called radiation, not too please with that though but will give it a shot.

Anyway watch the movie, it is awsome, it says it all. Hugs for now!

I May Be Loosing My Hair But I Still Have My Wings!

Aw www the things we do to amuse ourselves. Today I am clowning around a bit. It all started in the shower, yes weird I know. Well I am minding my own business and suddenly I think I have a bug on me, jump and almost fall, another bug JUMP DAMMIT! No bugs thank the good bug God, just more hair and more and more. Jump and look again just in case.

So it is like hair autumn around here and I am contemplating shaving my head and getting it over with, but if I shave my head will I not have a bunch of tiny hairs to deal with? GROSS!

I get out of the shower and find one of Grandma Harriet's old scarves, thinking AHA AA I will tie it up to catch what must fall. Well I suck at scarves, it better be a ready made Do Rag that I just have to knot or it just isn't gonna happen. Then I remember the hat my sissy bought me, along with a fall. Well I don't need the fall yet but here's to the HAT!

As I was messing around, playing dolly makeup with my face and hat I got to thinking I still have my wings! So some of you may know what the hell I am talking about eh Sis? LOL!!!!! I will always have my wings! It runs in the family. Decided to take a pic, this ones for you my dear sweet sister whom I miss SOOOOOOOOFREAKING BAD right now!

Today is my little Ashton's 2nd Birthday, and I don't get to see him. I am sad over that. The daycare has a run on chicken pox, runny nose's and croup. I cannot see my babies until the threat is gone. I miss them. That's OK I am sure they want to see me next year, and the years to come, so be it.
this is Ash looking tough. Hmmmmmm wonder if he would let me borrow his ball cap?

Hair Watch not Baywatch

Ya know I think it is funny that some of my friend, family and care taker's are on hair watch lately.

This is for you NOPE NOT YET.....but soon. It is coming out by the hands full today, all I have to do it touch it. My roots are sore but remember I have a heck of a lot of hair. It doesn't even look thin yet.

My charming hubby make a crack last night about how it could come out just on top and he could just see me with the Bozo effect! LOL well if that happens, I honestly will be tempted to put on Bozo makeup just for the occasion! Well it was funny oh how we amuse ourselves.....

It is quite annoying today though, I keep getting hairs where I don't want them to land, like in my food, my mouth, my dogs mouth, the table, the sink well you get the picture. Well at least it isn't the chunks of hair I heard about.

So for now we are on RED ALERT for HAIR WATCH!

Good Day (said in the Paul Harvey tone)

The Party's Over

Ok after one week of hell I feel GREAT! and I still have my hair!!!

Let me tell you about Neulasta, not a pretty story so if you don't want to hear me bitch and complain go to the next paragraph. I got my Neulasta shot, no big deal right? well on last thursday at 3am I woke up with the most ungodly pains throughout my whole body, no temp, but uncontrollable shaking. I never felt so much pain and that would include all previous operations and childbirthing. So I took my pain meds that I had left over from the lymph node dissection. I got sick, sick and sicker and still ached all over. I think I now know how one feels to be put on a
15th century stretcher you know the ones used for torture. Called the doctor and they called in another script for something different, unfortunately same results. I was told that is because I am so young, and my bones are "younger" than my real age. Go figure.

ok so today I go see my Dr. McDreamy and he tells me that the next time and I am saying what makes you think I will do that again????are you nuts???? he said "THE NEXT TIME sigh lets try taking a Clairatin before the shot". Apparently there have been studies going on about how Clairatin helps people who suffer bone pain from Neulasta. Ok, I agreed, leaning towards the door. He also said that with each chemo treatment the pain from Neulasta will go away because my body will actually need it more. Next I asked how many more treatments because I knew I had to have 6 rnds of A/C but thought Taxol was a pill. No he said Taxol will be once a week for 9weeks. All in all I am looking at 21 more weeks of this crap. The Taxol he said would be like a walk in the park, which is ok with me as long as the temperature isn't over 75* I also lost two more pounds, that is 4 in one week, heck maybe mama was right. (see below about the Chemo Diet)

So after all that I came home, so I don't catch any cooties from being out in public without my armor and painted a picture for Earth Day. That's over on my other blog. Great Day, beautiful weather, happy puppy, what more could I ask for?

Oh hey try the new Ocean Spray cranberry and pomegranit juice with a shot of gingerale and slice of lemon, and lots of ice, taste like a wine cooler but much healthier.

First Chemo Down! WhoooooHooooo!

Ok here's the deal, had my first round today and feel ok - for now. I am actually higher than a kite lol weird effect, I feel like I toked a fat one (blunt) that lasted all day. I was told that about 3am it will wear off and my bliss will end but for now hey what a deal and it is legal!

Only thing I feel is weird, and the bottoms of my feet burn, my hands are tingly, and my throat is sore and my mouth feels very fuzzy. Remember the soap that when you got it wet it would grow fuz? Think 1960 something. That is my mouth tonight yuck! I am also extremely tired (yes more than usual)and yes I am still smoking.

I am not sick to my tummy but I don't want to eat anything, no appitite but usually I don't eat supper every night anyway. I would love a beer but I know better, couldn't handle it before and probably can't now and besides why tempt fate?

I do have to give honerable to my youngest daughter for today. She really impressed me with her whole being and I am so proud of her. She picked me up on time, was careful driving and stuck with me the whole time. Asked the onco nurse questions, gave her imput, talked me through the whole thing. Told me to sleep if I wanted to and she would just sit and guard me lol but I didn't sleep. Thank you Tami.

I sat next to an old man of 75 and he was so sad looking. Of course I had to talk to him and ask questions ect. By the time he was done with his treatment he was laughing and smiling. He told me about when his hair fell out, he has a goatee and he was drinking coffee one night and as men do he placed his hand on his face over the mouth and rubbed down his goatee and it fell off in his hand, ruined his "GD" coffee lol we laughed about that. His hair grew back and now he is in again because he has inoperable lung cancer, now in both lungs. He said he quit smoking 10 years ago and got cancer 10 yrs later. So he left wished me luck and I wished him luck and told him I will see ya next time! You bet he said. When he stood up I was shocked at his form. He was very tall and thin, while he was sitting he looked average. His behind was showing crack and Tam and I told him to pull up his pants before he got the nurses all excited. LOL was funny, he said oh like that will happen and one of the nurses said Oh my I am getting the vapors! So I hope he had a better day! See you next time he said with a wink.

The Barbie Doll Syndrome "The Chemo Diet" not for everyone and Please Do NOT try this at home!

I almost forgot to share this little glimpse into the dysfunctional type I grow from.

Something my Mother said to me last week "Oh you will loose alot of weight when you get chemo!" how freaking exciting is that??? Well let me first say, yes I am a little overweight, but not disgustingly so. I always was a person who fluctuates from one size to the other. But my Mom bless her has never to the best of my knowledge ever been over 130lbs. and always boasts about her girlish figure even at the young age of 83. I think she is at about 125lbs. right now. She goes on about how she had the Barbie figure her whole life. My Dad on the other hand was a huge man topping the scales over 300lbs. at one time (so I hear). So I guess we kids all got our genes in the body weight dept. from dear ole Daddy.

So now I can look forward to the chemo diet eh? maybe I should market that concept, what a deal ... diet and free hair care! LOL sorry can't help but be a bit of a synic on this subject.

The next thing is that she cut out this article about how starving yourself before chemo could be beneficial. Now to be fair I must tell you this study was done on rats not humans. So am I now considered a rat??? LOL there I go again. I know she is grasping at straws, trying to help but come the hell on! I know she loves me endlessly but that isn't really helping me at this moment trying to understand the logic. Here is the article below if your interested in such.

We are all afraid of this 125lb ball of fire we call "Mom" but we few would never admit it. She is a force all her own, very strong woman, a man hater (but omg not a lesbian - banish that thought!) She has battled colon cancer without chemo and so far has won, she has battled half her nose falling off due to skin cancer and won! She is an amazing woman, a true warrior, well loved, somewhat respected. Somewhat because of her views on things that sort of rub people the wrong way, misunderstood? I doubt that but hey who am I to say? Did I tell you that at 83 she can put down as many beers as you can? Watches NASCAR thankyou Tony Stewart!

How does the word DYSFUNCTION fit into your world?

The Rat Pack Article

Author is Denise Gellene from the LA Times

Starving mice for a few days before chemo protected their healthy cells from damaging side effects, offering a possible way to shield cancer patients fro the debilitating hair loss, nausea and anemia that now plague the treatments, researchers reported this week.
The study, published Tuesday in Proceedings fo the National Academy of Sciences, could also allow the use of more potent chemo doses without endangering patients.
Valter Longo, of USC who led the research, said healthy cells deprived of noruishment stop dividing and become more resistant to stress. That makes them less vulnerable to chemo, which targets cells that are dividing.
Because cancer cells do not respond to their environment in a normal way, starvation does not protect them from the drugs, said Longo, who conducted the research with scientist at USC and Giannina Gaslini Institute in Genoa, Italy.
The experiment looked at how healty and cancerous cells reacted when they were exposed to toxins after being denied glucose, a simple sugar. Yeast cells, for example were 1,00 times more resitstant to damage from chemo than yeast cells containing a tumor gene.
An experiemnt in mice confirmed the protective effects of fasting. Of the 28 mice that received only water for 48 to 60 hours before chemo one died. By contrast, 20 of the 37 mice that did not fast died from treatment. All mice were given an amount of the cancer drug etoposide equivalent to three times the maximum human dose. Fasting mice that survied treatment had no visible side effects, researchers said, compared witht he second group of mice, which became sluggish and devloped ruffled hair because of the drug.

Well there you have it. Of mice and men.

The New Do

OMG Look at me now! This is my new do, happy about it or not it is here for now. I was advised by many to cut off my locks before chemo, and so I did. It really don't matter much since it will all be gone in a few weeks. Check out the lipstick! LOL I never wear lipstick especially bright colored ones! Just had to do it.

Its Been A Long Time Baby

I know I have not been on for a while, and for good reason. I had another operation called and auxillary node disection. It sucks big time I will not lie but and there is a but, it helps with the diagnosis process. This is where they take out some more lymph nodes, ya know the ones they left there before? This time it has caused a bit of a problem, but nothing I can't live with *wink-wink. Consider the alternative. So I am numb most of the time and feel like my right side of of chest and underarm is in a tight sleeve or lets say tournique. Ok so now I have this forever weird feeling but it's ok! The good news is that there were no more infected lymph nodes, so now on with the plan. Plan, did I say plan? Thoes that know me I am one of the worst planners, I rather do things on the spur of the moment but that is why I have doctors so they can plan.

The next thing I had was a port installed in my arm on the other side. Oh joy of joys I have this ugly and I mean ugly big bump on my arm. My whole arm turned black and blue and purple and red blah blah blah. The pain was untoleralble for quite a while and I made a new friend whose name is Percoset. Well that was a short lived friendship because I really don't like the way my new friend treated me although he did help me sleep at night. I do not do well with medications that alter my brainwaves to the point of the duh huhs. So anyway I managed to get an infection in the whole arm, up my neck ect. Antibiodicts were next. So where did the good doctor send me? The emergency room. BIG MISTAKE! After 11 hours of sitting around with alot of sick people they sent me home...

Got the flu, oh no! what the heck did I do? Karma for me is not good these days and I keep wondering what the hell did I do to get this? Well nothing really but allow me some dramatics for goodness sake! So finally after missing the Relay for Life I am starting to get over it but still have a horrible cough. Did I mention all through this I have been trying to quit smoking, house train a puppy, and gear myself up for what comes next? LOL life is weird! Needless to say, I am still smoking, the puppy is somewhat trained and I am scared to death.

Chemo comes next Thursday. This is where they inject you with poision. My hair will fall out, and a host of other things could happen. Grose! I know how vain I am about my hair. Shameless as it is, I am. All my life I didn't hear, how pretty I was, no no but I did alway hear how pretty my hair was. Now I won't even have that. Do I care? you bet I do but hell that is a small price to pay to see my Grancchildren yet to be born, and the ones that are here to be loved by me. No one can love them more than I can. So to deal with this I am trying to talk myself into getting it cut this weekend. I will donate my long braids to locks of love, just like last year but can I keep going on the extent of hair that will come off? If I thought I could drink and party I would but not this time, well maybe a beer or two won't hurt.

All in all not sure when I will be back, not sure anyone reads this crap but I write and read and laugh at myself after. Self amusement, almost sounds dirty! LOL

Met my Chemo doc yesterday, he gave me alot to think about. It is very scarry all of this. I will be on chemo after my next surgery he said for 6 months. That seems like a very long time. That also means that I won't be going to NY in June as planned. Huge disapointment. He said I would definately loose my hair and eyebrows. Uggg! I am so vain and never knew it lol. I asked about my eyelashes and he said no he didn't think so, so we will see I hope he wasn't lying about that. Oh well come what may.

My surgery that was suppose to happen this Friday has been postponed a few days. March 5th is the day now. My lymphnodes are comming out. This scares me more than having the tumor removed because there is a threat of lymphedema and nerve damage. Not to mention it will most likely hurt like a m**f*er (bad language I know BUT...)

Gosh I think I am a bit negative today, I try not to be but somedays it just is. When you have cancer it is almost like your emotions have no control of their own, and some monster takes over and runs you around like a swirling wind in a tunnel.

How much more?

Ok well this is getting old and I am a very impatient person. I want this behind me, forgotten and dismissed.

Bad news on the report from the surgery, have to have more surgery. They saved the boobie for which I am eternally grateful, but now they want the rest of my lymp nodes. It appears to have spread a bit.

So much to think of, more surgery, chemo shortly thereafter and then radiation. I think by then I will be like an atomic bomb lol. So much for travelling out of the country!

I am increasingly tired. I don't care much for this stint in life. I try to keep up with the world, sometimes I surpassed it this is cramping my style. I guess I am angry!

Thought for the day : wondering if they will leagalize pot for me in the near future lol think I will take that to congress along with socialized health care!

Ahhh truly rantings of a mad woman!