Friday, September 26, 2008

Out of the Darkness

YaaaaaaYhoooooooooooo! I finished my last chemo yesterday, now I just have a week for feeling miserable from this stuff one last time, and hopefully it won't happen again! Anyway knowing that this step is over at last, will make it go quicker and part of me will be shining through and maybe not feeling so bad.

I do have some residual effects going on like the nerve pain called neuropathy. My lower legs, feet, and my fingers are numb most of the time now and feel at times like someone is sticking me with tiny little needles at the most inopportune times. This too will go away. I try to walk, and squeeze a rubber ball to combat it which sometimes works and sometimes does not work. My fingernails have stripes on them going across the nail and they have thinned alot, and are very tender. My toenails are ugly but they were before anyway. Hey they didn't fall off! Yippie!

I also have some weird memory problems, like forgetting what I am doing, or saying in the middle of a sentence. I use to multitask quite well and now I can't but I am told this will not last forever a year at the most.

Then there is the fear of wondering if this will manifest it's ugly face again in the same, or other part of my body. I try to think positive, but know I have to be aware of changes in my body and get regular check ups which is not one of my strong points. I never went to doctors before this, I ministered myself and this is where I landed. I don't want this fear to take over but believe me it has a mind of it's own and is always there pecking and nagging me. As I said before, it is not the fear of dying but more of the fear of what I would have to go through. It sort of chips away at your spirit being pumped full of drugs, changing your usual way of life, and all the other crap you go through. Not to mention the look in my precious children and grandchildren and my pets who still need me. Of course I know all my relatives love and want me around but they don't need me. So all of this wrapped into a big ball causes the fear.

In a week or two I get to start radiation that will bring me to the New Year. It is scary to me to know that I will first be tattooed, manipulated into impossible positions, and get a beam of radiation to whatever parts necessarily. I asked the reason for this and was told that it will get the stragglers. The tiny cancer seeds that don't die or escape that I undoubtedly have because I have an aggressive metastatic brand of cancer. So if I wish to continue on with body parts that I don't want to loose I will do this. It will make me tired, and all of the stuff I have heard is very rare. Tiredness is the top complaint, burning on sensitive skin that has never seen the sun is another. So OK I can do this! The whole process of this daily activity will take about 15 minutes total, from undress to treatment to re dress and out the door. It will me a mild inconvenience to have to go everyday but at least it is really just a short drive down the street.

I was told that I will have to keep my port in place for about a year. The infusion center is happy about that, because then they get to see me once a month for flushing the port. Ha ha didn't know I was so loved. They are a really great group of professionals and they liked me because I didn't sit there and whine. I yelled once but with good reason lol. I like to ride the wave of benadryl they give me rather than sleep it off. Yesterday they got me though, my daughter didn't go with me this time and they gave me 50mgs of benadryl instead of the usual 25 - 35 mg and it finally got me and I hope I didn't snore.

Well that's it for now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Hope I could help some of you who may be going through this. Oh yes I almost forgot my hair is growing! My Onc Dr. McDreamy Funnyman said it will start growing really fast now that chemo is done. Wonder if he just said that to uplift my spirit?


Sherry(briginlee) said...

MoonWillow I am so glad that you are finished with your Chemo treatment and are ready to move onto the next stop. I pray that all goes well for you and that you are back to feeling like your self really really soon. All of us over at OCM miss you very much, please take care of yourself, but come visit us as soon as you feel up to it.

Anonymous said...

what do you mean your relatives don't need you!!! the world would be a sadder, lonelier place without you!
buffalo sister

Terry Lair said...

Hello Moon Willow. I'm a friend of Jeff Kelley's. He told me you are going through BC just as I am. I've read through your blog...are you me? Truly,some of the things you talk about I could have written. Hope you are doing well now. I was lucky, the first round of chemo only made me lose my hair. I wasn't sick, only a bit tired. I just started Taxol on the 6th-had some of those weird pulsating pains off and on. I'm doing okay, just really sad sometimes. I know you understand. Keep up your spirit-it's what is getting us through!

Terry Lair
Jamestown, NY (Ashville, NY native)