"I am the one who is strong enough to carry the life that God has given me" I don't know where this came from but I like it, I feel it and I borrowed it. If I am overstepping here someone tell me.
Ok well I went for all my appointments this week and don't know a whole lot more than I did last week.
Chemo is done for that I am truly grateful! I am totally exhausted and sleeping alot more for some reason, my nerves are a bit edgy as I get closer to radiation. Silly I know but anything new upsets my self lately. Still in my mind I am doing the happy dance that no more infusions. I wish they would take my port out but they want to leave it there "just in case". Ha just in case well I don't plan on a "just in case!" Wondering how far the mind can heal a person before she looses the mind? ya more dark humor that few understand.
So the new radiation doctor was very nice. I hope they don't switch me again, as I said I don't deal well with changes. I miss the original doctor, she was the bomb! On the 16th I will go for a simulation, this is where they do everything to get you ready and do a mock radiation treatment. The next day will start my treatments that will be for every day at the same time. The doc said that I can expect to feel like I have a bad sunburn on my little itty bitty. Ya I say easy for you with the dark skin. I have paper white skin on that area and oh I don't like sunburn. I guess I need a gallon or two of Aloe Gel and some creams. I have a few to try so try I will. I had some BP problems while there but there was good reason, however in spite of that she decided to give me some anti anxiety drugs, nothing much just a little something to take the edge off.
What got me going before the appointment was this. I was about ready to leave and just outside my door is a strung out little chick with her ginormous pit bull who was about to take a crap in my yard right in front of my porch. I see her and start yelling "ARE YOU LETTING YOUR DOG SHIT IN MY YARD????????????????????????" along with some other bad words. She just looks at me and says "oh sorry" so I ask her if she would like a bag? and she said no, were ok. Well this sent me over the edge more than a bit. I know I scared the crap out of her and the dog obviously because his turd went right back up where is came from and they moved on down the street. I mean come the hell on! I would never consider letting my dog do that whilst on a leash especially! I think the girl was a bit "cracked out" she looked it unless it was pure fear. I have had a problem with this dog before he likes to get on my porch when he gets out and pee on my chairs. I don't know where they live but when I find out, I may be calling someone to make her understand the facts of life of living within the city limits with a dog. As you can see I am still PO'ed.
So I am driving to my doctor's office that is less than a mile away and get behind a long stream of traffic. Ok well that is pretty normal in the am around our little town. No problem, the sign is posted 25mph. Well behind me is some big wheeled black truck with loud rap music playing and suddenly the music is off and the driver starts yelling at me out the window, followed by gestures of all sorts, name calling, etc. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it my fault the speed limit is 25mph? Is it my fault all the people in front of me travel to work at their own pace? heck no so do I take all this abuse? Hell NO! So I just gesture back as any red blooded, already stress out woman would do. So this truck guy decides he is going to take a side street and try to cut people off. Ok I think good luck with that, it's your dream make it whatever you want. Low and behold the person when he gets there to cut off just happens to be...............you guessed it me! Again I am like oh Hell NO! I speed up a bit and oops he can't cut in without hitting me or the car behind me. Ha ya trick, though you were gonna one up me did ya? Ok so I am sometimes a bit extreme but damn I get just as irritated as the next girl and was feeling my Cheerios. I continued on to the doctor and the results were an agitated, higher than normal BP so I was pardoned after I explained it.
Yesterday I went to a church. It was to meet with someone that Social Security wanted to do a mental health check on me. Well not sure how I did but I am here to tell ya, I don't think I could pass the test on a good ole normal day! I mean who was the president in 1879? how the heck should I know, I was absent from school that day. Guess what the guy asking didn't know either because I asked him ok well who was it? No answer, well either that it is hidden by the Pentagon or something of the secret service dept. Geesh! I had around 4 hours of testing, and it was about math, which I truly suck, and the order of things, playing with blocks, remembering too much (not my strong point) so on average not sure how I scored. That is another secret. He dug into my brain, until it made me cry. His questions about my brother, my mother, my family in general. Then asked me if I was depressed? Well gee whiz I wasn't until I came here! you jerk! Truly I was happily skipping along until that little interview and testing. Trust me it does nothing for your self esteem. So after all that I was told to go home. Will I succeed in getting disability? doubt it. You know that really frost my pumpkin! If I was a drug addict or alcoholic I would get it, if I wanted to pretend to have a pinched nerve in my back or neck I would get it. I just want a little help until I am able to work, it isn't like I am ready to retire. Our government truly sucks ass.
So in spite of the above mentioned. All is well. On with my life and try to make each day a new one. I am starting aging of thinking about my crafts and drawing all the things that make me happy. I just need to get my hands and feet working properly so I do more than make a mess. My hair is starting to grow in, it is very curly more so than before. I think I will need the industrial flat iron in the future. Not sure of the color as it seems to change every day. My fingernails are still striped and very breakable. They are sensitive too, kind of like when you break a nail way far down, you know that icky feeling you get? I still have the needle jabs and numbness in my lower limbs and hands and the lymphedemia is still present but manageable. All in all considering what I have read from other BC persons I am doing quite well. It all a day in the life of survivorship.
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