Monday, January 28, 2008

Two Wolves


One evening an old Cherokee Chief told his Grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about if for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins??

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed".

There is a lesson to be learned here, let us not learn it the hard way.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tick Tock Tic Tock and Breast Cancer is NOT Contagious!

Waiting for important things in your life are like looking at a 1500 mile stretch of road ahead. Of course things that seem important sometime are not at all but at the time you are thinking of them they are.

Tomorrow I go for pre admit, and on to the Oncologist. I am getting cold feet about the whole damm thing. I don't want the shot for my SNB, I don't want surgery, I DON'T want to do the rads and chemmo, BUT if I want to live this is my chance to prove it. How fair is that?

Yes I am definately feeling sorry for myself. lol tell me you wouldn't.

The other thing that is prying on my mind is that what happens to your friends when the shit hits the fan? I am here to tell ya that what I have is NOT CONTAGIOUS! All but one friend has fallen off the face of the earth. What the hell is that all about?

If I was a whinner I could understand, I simply said I have breast cancer and poof! Bitter yes indeed I am, seems to me I held their hands plently of times even held their hair when they were sick for a few. I don't want anything but how about a I'm sorry, lets go shopping, or lets make some art, or how about lunch or even just watch a great movie and eat ice cream?

Now that that is off my chest, (no pun intended) I can forgive, for they know not what they do to me, but God bless them, I may never understand it.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Decision Day

Decided to go with the current surgeon, soooooooooooooo my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist is next Wednesday, then on the 29th to get the injection of interferon for my sentinel node biopsy, and surgery to have the lumpectomy and node discection on the 30th.

Funny that my biggest worry is about the lymphnode stuff. I worry that it will damage my nerves and hinder my love of drawing and painting. You wouldn't believe what goes on in my head about this, worried that I will end up painting like Picasso is a frightening though. I know he was famous but not until he was dead! I have not got that scheduled into my planner! I am known for detail in my work, that is what I have always done best. Besides since I do not own a portable DVD player I plan on drawing in my art journal while undergoing the long hours of chemo. So yes I am worried.

The breast that will have the lumpectomy, and possible mastectomy can be rebuilt. Ha ha thats a good one I know it can but tell me, when I am old will I have one droopy and one stand upright? That makes a very funny picture in my mind. Sorry again for my sic sense of humor. It is all my mother's plastic surgeon fault (he rebuilt her nose out of her ear)! In his office he had a comic of two old people. The woman had beautiful breast all perky, the dream of a lifetime and the man well you know he was taking viagara BUT the rest of their bodies were all shrivled up like prunes. Well it was funny.

Love n' light

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Results are In

Yeah it sure sucks to be me right now, but I mean that in the nicest way. Isn't that what we are taught, to be nice at all costs? Even to ourselves.

Well here is the black and white of it. My core biopsy results show -Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade III/III. What does that mean? Simply put, as it was put to me is that I have 1. an invasive meaning it plans on screwing me by infiltrating wherever it can 2. That it is indeed cancer (no duh) 3. grade III (3) means it is the most aggressive. I will spare the GROSS details, because it is well uhhh GROSS!

The surgeon was a lot better today with me than she has been. Told me what she plans. A lumpectomy (good news) at least I get to keep my precious body part, and then she let the shoe drop on the lymp node thingy. She wants to take my nodes, and I want her to be conservative on that because I have no desire to go around with balloon arms. I asked how many, she said she didn't know. I asked how? and she said they inject blue intrferon dye and where the dye goes so does the node. Sounds like a soap, well never mind my sic humor again. I ended up telling her I would get back to her. She was like what do you mean get back to me? I simply have to think about this, get it through my head and then I can do it. I am in no big rush, I think a few days really won't matter at this point. I will decide between now and Friday, if she will be doing it or another doctor and what his opinion is.

I can also expect chemo and radiation oh joy just what I want a bunch of poison to kill the poisonous monster within. Gadzeeks I am dramatic! Hey maybe I will get a hat that says Chemo Girl! or RadWoman.

Well enough of this I have things to do! Got to make something, call a few people, and plan tomorrow with my youngest daughter and her lovely little angels.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

The Start of the Unwanted Journey

On December the 5th, 2007 I started on this journey but it will NOT own me! However I feel the need to express the churning's and emotions that are contained inside me, otherwise I may blow up like the little girl that ate the blueberry candy on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and bust. Your welcome to read and I will understand if you don't wish to read the rantings of a mad woman.

I knew I had a lump, it had been there since June. when one morning I woke up and my itty bitty had an ugly bruise on it. The bruise lasted about 2 weeks, that is where the lump was. Funny thing I didn't remember getting roughed up anytime in the night, my hubby is way past that stage. I didn't remember getting drunk, and falling, or walking into anything, getting in a ruff and tumble with my grand kids, none of that. So I had an unexplained boo boo. After the bruise went away so did any more thoughts about it or the lumpy.

July there was no change. I didn't do the monthly breast exams so why would there be a change to compare with? August, September, same story. October I started not feeling too hot, but attributed it to lack of exercise, poor eating habits, not working ect. I told my husband hey maybe you should get me on your insurance pretty soon. Since I am never sick enough to warrant a Doctor visit, he didn't see the need. November, I was so busy doing all the great stuff for the holiday preparations, excited because my Grands were getting just the right age, that I can tell them stories of Santa. I was also going hot and heavy in my favorite art groups, making all kinds of stuff.

Then BOOM, one day in the shower I felt a rather large lump in my right breast. I wasn't looking for it, still not doing breast self exams. Please ladies do these exams, I cannot stress that enough! So having no insurance and slightly freaking out, I call around to find a clinic or doctor to do a free mammogram. No such luck, I did however find one that would give me one with payment options.

Dec 5, 2007 first appointment and many $$$'s later the good doctor is grim. You need a diagnostic mammogram, and x-ray. Down the hall.

the waiting begins...

Dec 18, 2007 Diagnostic Mammogram, ouch Don't they know it hurts to pull on those puppies? let alone squish them! Uh Oh lady you need to go to the Ultrasound room, the radiologist is waiting (in my head is piling up more $$$'s) OK so we do the ultrasound. Radiologist skirts around it but eventually says you have breast cancer. My question of the day is how does he know, answer? they know what they are looking at BIRADS V. I fall apart, I cry for about 5 minutes. IT WILL NOT OWN ME!

I cry alot lately off and on, try to stay tough repeating that little phrase "it will not own me" I will give it 5 minutes a week and that's all. Sounds great in theory.

Dec 21, 2007 Back to the doctor for confirmation. Confirmed. Now if this day isn't bad enough because of what happened last year! Seems like every Christmas has it's horror story. Last year my brother ended his own life, it absolutely devastated myself and my sister. The year before that my mom had colon cancer diagnosed just before Christmas (she is good now). The good doctor refers me to a surgeon.

Jan 3, 2008 Happy New Year you have to have a Core Biopsy ASAP! Why do you think surgeons are so dang cold. I think because they have to deal with all the blood and guts of an illness, they shut themselves down to emotion. I don't like my surgeon much, I picked her because she is a woman, she is a woman of color, had 32 years of experience. I figured she had to work harder than anyone else to get where she is. Why don't I like her? She is rough, manhandled my boobies like she is on a mission to kill! I will go for the biopsy, and then back to her to hear my options but I may ask for a second opinion. I know I am dragging my feet.

The waiting is impossible!

Jan 10, 2008 I go for the biopsy. I was so frightened beyond belief. I know my blood pressure was sky high, I was shaking and sweating. I am needle phobic. I curse under my breath, don't want to offend the dude with the needle!

True Confession - It wasn't all that bad. Yes it stung a little, and the sounds freaked me out, the position of my arms were uncomfortable, although the nurse did everything she could to make me comfortable. I didn't whine, like I thought I would, in fact I said nothing unless I was asked.

What they do is numb your boobie with something like what the dentist use, lidocaine, or some kind of caine. They also turn you away so it is impossible for you to watch. The make a tiny cut, insert a hollow tube needle into the tumor. I had this done 9 times. It depends how big the tumor is they have to have several samples. The purpose of this test is to type and stage your cancer. Then they insert a little tiny titanium chip called a tumor marker so they can identify the spot in the future. Tape you up with suture tape and send for another mamo to check the chip. Yeah all done! I was given a bag of peas for an ice pack. Here I was expecting a lolly pop and got a bag of peas! I had more fun than I should of with the peas, I told my hubby on the way out the door that he could expect peas for supper! I thought he would toss it right there.

The boobie is still sore, and black and blue all over. It hurts a little but I know what I can and cannot do. It is temporarily and some day I will wish that was all I had to worry about. Now the game is on, my next appointment is Jan 15th.

The waiting sucks.

This graphic is from Thank You Kay