Saturday, January 12, 2008
The Start of the Unwanted Journey
On December the 5th, 2007 I started on this journey but it will NOT own me! However I feel the need to express the churning's and emotions that are contained inside me, otherwise I may blow up like the little girl that ate the blueberry candy on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and bust. Your welcome to read and I will understand if you don't wish to read the rantings of a mad woman.
I knew I had a lump, it had been there since June. when one morning I woke up and my itty bitty had an ugly bruise on it. The bruise lasted about 2 weeks, that is where the lump was. Funny thing I didn't remember getting roughed up anytime in the night, my hubby is way past that stage. I didn't remember getting drunk, and falling, or walking into anything, getting in a ruff and tumble with my grand kids, none of that. So I had an unexplained boo boo. After the bruise went away so did any more thoughts about it or the lumpy.
July there was no change. I didn't do the monthly breast exams so why would there be a change to compare with? August, September, same story. October I started not feeling too hot, but attributed it to lack of exercise, poor eating habits, not working ect. I told my husband hey maybe you should get me on your insurance pretty soon. Since I am never sick enough to warrant a Doctor visit, he didn't see the need. November, I was so busy doing all the great stuff for the holiday preparations, excited because my Grands were getting just the right age, that I can tell them stories of Santa. I was also going hot and heavy in my favorite art groups, making all kinds of stuff.
Then BOOM, one day in the shower I felt a rather large lump in my right breast. I wasn't looking for it, still not doing breast self exams. Please ladies do these exams, I cannot stress that enough! So having no insurance and slightly freaking out, I call around to find a clinic or doctor to do a free mammogram. No such luck, I did however find one that would give me one with payment options.
Dec 5, 2007 first appointment and many $$$'s later the good doctor is grim. You need a diagnostic mammogram, and x-ray. Down the hall.
the waiting begins...
Dec 18, 2007 Diagnostic Mammogram, ouch Don't they know it hurts to pull on those puppies? let alone squish them! Uh Oh lady you need to go to the Ultrasound room, the radiologist is waiting (in my head is piling up more $$$'s) OK so we do the ultrasound. Radiologist skirts around it but eventually says you have breast cancer. My question of the day is how does he know, answer? they know what they are looking at BIRADS V. I fall apart, I cry for about 5 minutes. IT WILL NOT OWN ME!
I cry alot lately off and on, try to stay tough repeating that little phrase "it will not own me" I will give it 5 minutes a week and that's all. Sounds great in theory.
Dec 21, 2007 Back to the doctor for confirmation. Confirmed. Now if this day isn't bad enough because of what happened last year! Seems like every Christmas has it's horror story. Last year my brother ended his own life, it absolutely devastated myself and my sister. The year before that my mom had colon cancer diagnosed just before Christmas (she is good now). The good doctor refers me to a surgeon.
Jan 3, 2008 Happy New Year you have to have a Core Biopsy ASAP! Why do you think surgeons are so dang cold. I think because they have to deal with all the blood and guts of an illness, they shut themselves down to emotion. I don't like my surgeon much, I picked her because she is a woman, she is a woman of color, had 32 years of experience. I figured she had to work harder than anyone else to get where she is. Why don't I like her? She is rough, manhandled my boobies like she is on a mission to kill! I will go for the biopsy, and then back to her to hear my options but I may ask for a second opinion. I know I am dragging my feet.
The waiting is impossible!
Jan 10, 2008 I go for the biopsy. I was so frightened beyond belief. I know my blood pressure was sky high, I was shaking and sweating. I am needle phobic. I curse under my breath, don't want to offend the dude with the needle!
True Confession - It wasn't all that bad. Yes it stung a little, and the sounds freaked me out, the position of my arms were uncomfortable, although the nurse did everything she could to make me comfortable. I didn't whine, like I thought I would, in fact I said nothing unless I was asked.
What they do is numb your boobie with something like what the dentist use, lidocaine, or some kind of caine. They also turn you away so it is impossible for you to watch. The make a tiny cut, insert a hollow tube needle into the tumor. I had this done 9 times. It depends how big the tumor is they have to have several samples. The purpose of this test is to type and stage your cancer. Then they insert a little tiny titanium chip called a tumor marker so they can identify the spot in the future. Tape you up with suture tape and send for another mamo to check the chip. Yeah all done! I was given a bag of peas for an ice pack. Here I was expecting a lolly pop and got a bag of peas! I had more fun than I should of with the peas, I told my hubby on the way out the door that he could expect peas for supper! I thought he would toss it right there.
The boobie is still sore, and black and blue all over. It hurts a little but I know what I can and cannot do. It is temporarily and some day I will wish that was all I had to worry about. Now the game is on, my next appointment is Jan 15th.
The waiting sucks.
This graphic is from http://members.fortunecity.com/kaywyne/snowglobes_index.htm Thank You Kay