I May Be Loosing My Hair But I Still Have My Wings!

Aw www the things we do to amuse ourselves. Today I am clowning around a bit. It all started in the shower, yes weird I know. Well I am minding my own business and suddenly I think I have a bug on me, jump and almost fall, another bug JUMP DAMMIT! No bugs thank the good bug God, just more hair and more and more. Jump and look again just in case.

So it is like hair autumn around here and I am contemplating shaving my head and getting it over with, but if I shave my head will I not have a bunch of tiny hairs to deal with? GROSS!

I get out of the shower and find one of Grandma Harriet's old scarves, thinking AHA AA I will tie it up to catch what must fall. Well I suck at scarves, it better be a ready made Do Rag that I just have to knot or it just isn't gonna happen. Then I remember the hat my sissy bought me, along with a fall. Well I don't need the fall yet but here's to the HAT!

As I was messing around, playing dolly makeup with my face and hat I got to thinking I still have my wings! So some of you may know what the hell I am talking about eh Sis? LOL!!!!! I will always have my wings! It runs in the family. Decided to take a pic, this ones for you my dear sweet sister whom I miss SOOOOOOOOFREAKING BAD right now!

Today is my little Ashton's 2nd Birthday, and I don't get to see him. I am sad over that. The daycare has a run on chicken pox, runny nose's and croup. I cannot see my babies until the threat is gone. I miss them. That's OK I am sure they want to see me next year, and the years to come, so be it.
this is Ash looking tough. Hmmmmmm wonder if he would let me borrow his ball cap?

Hair Watch not Baywatch

Ya know I think it is funny that some of my friend, family and care taker's are on hair watch lately.

This is for you NOPE NOT YET.....but soon. It is coming out by the hands full today, all I have to do it touch it. My roots are sore but remember I have a heck of a lot of hair. It doesn't even look thin yet.

My charming hubby make a crack last night about how it could come out just on top and he could just see me with the Bozo effect! LOL well if that happens, I honestly will be tempted to put on Bozo makeup just for the occasion! Well it was funny oh how we amuse ourselves.....

It is quite annoying today though, I keep getting hairs where I don't want them to land, like in my food, my mouth, my dogs mouth, the table, the sink well you get the picture. Well at least it isn't the chunks of hair I heard about.

So for now we are on RED ALERT for HAIR WATCH!

Good Day (said in the Paul Harvey tone)

The Party's Over

Ok after one week of hell I feel GREAT! and I still have my hair!!!

Let me tell you about Neulasta, not a pretty story so if you don't want to hear me bitch and complain go to the next paragraph. I got my Neulasta shot, no big deal right? well on last thursday at 3am I woke up with the most ungodly pains throughout my whole body, no temp, but uncontrollable shaking. I never felt so much pain and that would include all previous operations and childbirthing. So I took my pain meds that I had left over from the lymph node dissection. I got sick, sick and sicker and still ached all over. I think I now know how one feels to be put on a
15th century stretcher you know the ones used for torture. Called the doctor and they called in another script for something different, unfortunately same results. I was told that is because I am so young, and my bones are "younger" than my real age. Go figure.

ok so today I go see my Dr. McDreamy and he tells me that the next time and I am saying what makes you think I will do that again????are you nuts???? he said "THE NEXT TIME sigh lets try taking a Clairatin before the shot". Apparently there have been studies going on about how Clairatin helps people who suffer bone pain from Neulasta. Ok, I agreed, leaning towards the door. He also said that with each chemo treatment the pain from Neulasta will go away because my body will actually need it more. Next I asked how many more treatments because I knew I had to have 6 rnds of A/C but thought Taxol was a pill. No he said Taxol will be once a week for 9weeks. All in all I am looking at 21 more weeks of this crap. The Taxol he said would be like a walk in the park, which is ok with me as long as the temperature isn't over 75* I also lost two more pounds, that is 4 in one week, heck maybe mama was right. (see below about the Chemo Diet)

So after all that I came home, so I don't catch any cooties from being out in public without my armor and painted a picture for Earth Day. That's over on my other blog. Great Day, beautiful weather, happy puppy, what more could I ask for?

Oh hey try the new Ocean Spray cranberry and pomegranit juice with a shot of gingerale and slice of lemon, and lots of ice, taste like a wine cooler but much healthier.

First Chemo Down! WhoooooHooooo!

Ok here's the deal, had my first round today and feel ok - for now. I am actually higher than a kite lol weird effect, I feel like I toked a fat one (blunt) that lasted all day. I was told that about 3am it will wear off and my bliss will end but for now hey what a deal and it is legal!

Only thing I feel is weird, and the bottoms of my feet burn, my hands are tingly, and my throat is sore and my mouth feels very fuzzy. Remember the soap that when you got it wet it would grow fuz? Think 1960 something. That is my mouth tonight yuck! I am also extremely tired (yes more than usual)and yes I am still smoking.

I am not sick to my tummy but I don't want to eat anything, no appitite but usually I don't eat supper every night anyway. I would love a beer but I know better, couldn't handle it before and probably can't now and besides why tempt fate?

I do have to give honerable to my youngest daughter for today. She really impressed me with her whole being and I am so proud of her. She picked me up on time, was careful driving and stuck with me the whole time. Asked the onco nurse questions, gave her imput, talked me through the whole thing. Told me to sleep if I wanted to and she would just sit and guard me lol but I didn't sleep. Thank you Tami.

I sat next to an old man of 75 and he was so sad looking. Of course I had to talk to him and ask questions ect. By the time he was done with his treatment he was laughing and smiling. He told me about when his hair fell out, he has a goatee and he was drinking coffee one night and as men do he placed his hand on his face over the mouth and rubbed down his goatee and it fell off in his hand, ruined his "GD" coffee lol we laughed about that. His hair grew back and now he is in again because he has inoperable lung cancer, now in both lungs. He said he quit smoking 10 years ago and got cancer 10 yrs later. So he left wished me luck and I wished him luck and told him I will see ya next time! You bet he said. When he stood up I was shocked at his form. He was very tall and thin, while he was sitting he looked average. His behind was showing crack and Tam and I told him to pull up his pants before he got the nurses all excited. LOL was funny, he said oh like that will happen and one of the nurses said Oh my I am getting the vapors! So I hope he had a better day! See you next time he said with a wink.

The Barbie Doll Syndrome "The Chemo Diet" not for everyone and Please Do NOT try this at home!

I almost forgot to share this little glimpse into the dysfunctional type I grow from.

Something my Mother said to me last week "Oh you will loose alot of weight when you get chemo!" how freaking exciting is that??? Well let me first say, yes I am a little overweight, but not disgustingly so. I always was a person who fluctuates from one size to the other. But my Mom bless her has never to the best of my knowledge ever been over 130lbs. and always boasts about her girlish figure even at the young age of 83. I think she is at about 125lbs. right now. She goes on about how she had the Barbie figure her whole life. My Dad on the other hand was a huge man topping the scales over 300lbs. at one time (so I hear). So I guess we kids all got our genes in the body weight dept. from dear ole Daddy.

So now I can look forward to the chemo diet eh? maybe I should market that concept, what a deal ... diet and free hair care! LOL sorry can't help but be a bit of a synic on this subject.

The next thing is that she cut out this article about how starving yourself before chemo could be beneficial. Now to be fair I must tell you this study was done on rats not humans. So am I now considered a rat??? LOL there I go again. I know she is grasping at straws, trying to help but come the hell on! I know she loves me endlessly but that isn't really helping me at this moment trying to understand the logic. Here is the article below if your interested in such.

We are all afraid of this 125lb ball of fire we call "Mom" but we few would never admit it. She is a force all her own, very strong woman, a man hater (but omg not a lesbian - banish that thought!) She has battled colon cancer without chemo and so far has won, she has battled half her nose falling off due to skin cancer and won! She is an amazing woman, a true warrior, well loved, somewhat respected. Somewhat because of her views on things that sort of rub people the wrong way, misunderstood? I doubt that but hey who am I to say? Did I tell you that at 83 she can put down as many beers as you can? Watches NASCAR thankyou Tony Stewart!

How does the word DYSFUNCTION fit into your world?

The Rat Pack Article

Author is Denise Gellene from the LA Times

Starving mice for a few days before chemo protected their healthy cells from damaging side effects, offering a possible way to shield cancer patients fro the debilitating hair loss, nausea and anemia that now plague the treatments, researchers reported this week.
The study, published Tuesday in Proceedings fo the National Academy of Sciences, could also allow the use of more potent chemo doses without endangering patients.
Valter Longo, of USC who led the research, said healthy cells deprived of noruishment stop dividing and become more resistant to stress. That makes them less vulnerable to chemo, which targets cells that are dividing.
Because cancer cells do not respond to their environment in a normal way, starvation does not protect them from the drugs, said Longo, who conducted the research with scientist at USC and Giannina Gaslini Institute in Genoa, Italy.
The experiment looked at how healty and cancerous cells reacted when they were exposed to toxins after being denied glucose, a simple sugar. Yeast cells, for example were 1,00 times more resitstant to damage from chemo than yeast cells containing a tumor gene.
An experiemnt in mice confirmed the protective effects of fasting. Of the 28 mice that received only water for 48 to 60 hours before chemo one died. By contrast, 20 of the 37 mice that did not fast died from treatment. All mice were given an amount of the cancer drug etoposide equivalent to three times the maximum human dose. Fasting mice that survied treatment had no visible side effects, researchers said, compared witht he second group of mice, which became sluggish and devloped ruffled hair because of the drug.

Well there you have it. Of mice and men.

The New Do

OMG Look at me now! This is my new do, happy about it or not it is here for now. I was advised by many to cut off my locks before chemo, and so I did. It really don't matter much since it will all be gone in a few weeks. Check out the lipstick! LOL I never wear lipstick especially bright colored ones! Just had to do it.

Its Been A Long Time Baby

I know I have not been on for a while, and for good reason. I had another operation called and auxillary node disection. It sucks big time I will not lie but and there is a but, it helps with the diagnosis process. This is where they take out some more lymph nodes, ya know the ones they left there before? This time it has caused a bit of a problem, but nothing I can't live with *wink-wink. Consider the alternative. So I am numb most of the time and feel like my right side of of chest and underarm is in a tight sleeve or lets say tournique. Ok so now I have this forever weird feeling but it's ok! The good news is that there were no more infected lymph nodes, so now on with the plan. Plan, did I say plan? Thoes that know me I am one of the worst planners, I rather do things on the spur of the moment but that is why I have doctors so they can plan.

The next thing I had was a port installed in my arm on the other side. Oh joy of joys I have this ugly and I mean ugly big bump on my arm. My whole arm turned black and blue and purple and red blah blah blah. The pain was untoleralble for quite a while and I made a new friend whose name is Percoset. Well that was a short lived friendship because I really don't like the way my new friend treated me although he did help me sleep at night. I do not do well with medications that alter my brainwaves to the point of the duh huhs. So anyway I managed to get an infection in the whole arm, up my neck ect. Antibiodicts were next. So where did the good doctor send me? The emergency room. BIG MISTAKE! After 11 hours of sitting around with alot of sick people they sent me home...

Got the flu, oh no! what the heck did I do? Karma for me is not good these days and I keep wondering what the hell did I do to get this? Well nothing really but allow me some dramatics for goodness sake! So finally after missing the Relay for Life I am starting to get over it but still have a horrible cough. Did I mention all through this I have been trying to quit smoking, house train a puppy, and gear myself up for what comes next? LOL life is weird! Needless to say, I am still smoking, the puppy is somewhat trained and I am scared to death.

Chemo comes next Thursday. This is where they inject you with poision. My hair will fall out, and a host of other things could happen. Grose! I know how vain I am about my hair. Shameless as it is, I am. All my life I didn't hear, how pretty I was, no no but I did alway hear how pretty my hair was. Now I won't even have that. Do I care? you bet I do but hell that is a small price to pay to see my Grancchildren yet to be born, and the ones that are here to be loved by me. No one can love them more than I can. So to deal with this I am trying to talk myself into getting it cut this weekend. I will donate my long braids to locks of love, just like last year but can I keep going on the extent of hair that will come off? If I thought I could drink and party I would but not this time, well maybe a beer or two won't hurt.

All in all not sure when I will be back, not sure anyone reads this crap but I write and read and laugh at myself after. Self amusement, almost sounds dirty! LOL

Met my Chemo doc yesterday, he gave me alot to think about. It is very scarry all of this. I will be on chemo after my next surgery he said for 6 months. That seems like a very long time. That also means that I won't be going to NY in June as planned. Huge disapointment. He said I would definately loose my hair and eyebrows. Uggg! I am so vain and never knew it lol. I asked about my eyelashes and he said no he didn't think so, so we will see I hope he wasn't lying about that. Oh well come what may.

My surgery that was suppose to happen this Friday has been postponed a few days. March 5th is the day now. My lymphnodes are comming out. This scares me more than having the tumor removed because there is a threat of lymphedema and nerve damage. Not to mention it will most likely hurt like a m**f*er (bad language I know BUT...)

Gosh I think I am a bit negative today, I try not to be but somedays it just is. When you have cancer it is almost like your emotions have no control of their own, and some monster takes over and runs you around like a swirling wind in a tunnel.

How much more?

Ok well this is getting old and I am a very impatient person. I want this behind me, forgotten and dismissed.

Bad news on the report from the surgery, have to have more surgery. They saved the boobie for which I am eternally grateful, but now they want the rest of my lymp nodes. It appears to have spread a bit.

So much to think of, more surgery, chemo shortly thereafter and then radiation. I think by then I will be like an atomic bomb lol. So much for travelling out of the country!

I am increasingly tired. I don't care much for this stint in life. I try to keep up with the world, sometimes I surpassed it this is cramping my style. I guess I am angry!

Thought for the day : wondering if they will leagalize pot for me in the near future lol think I will take that to congress along with socialized health care!

Ahhh truly rantings of a mad woman!

One Giant Leap and Surgery in the Fast Lane!

Whew! That was quick, surgery is over and I am on my way to recovery. Talk about drive thru surgery I think my case tops it. I got to the hospital at 10:15am, rushed right into surgery, 2.5hr later in recovery, and home around 5pm. I still couldn't walk when they wheeled me to my car to go home, I don't really remember going home except my hubby carrying me in the house. I presume that is what they do with you when you have no insurance.

Anyway a partial masectomy (lumpectomy) and a snb where they took 6 lymphnodes. I am very pleased with that, my poor little part is just a bit defalted not as bad as I was expecting. just a bit achey. LOL happy days. My underarm well that is a different story. That hurts quite a bit, alot of tingling, stinging pain going on. I could take my oxycottin that was given to me but I can't stand how I feel on it, so I am taking plain ole tylenol and learning to be a bit tougher. Haven't been able to eat much mostly due to the oxy.

I am anxious to get back to my art and computer. I haven't been spending much time on either and oh boy I want to get in my car and drive! Can't do that yet either.

In a few days, I go to the onc doc and will most likely hear the plan that is laid out in front of me. I am not excited about that yet. I would love to hear ok your done, go home, cancer free and live the rest of your life. Holding on to that for a few days. The day after I go get my stitches out, tape off or whatever back to the surgon, and she will probably be done with me. Yippie!

Well ta ta for now.

Two Wolves

TWO WOLVES

One evening an old Cherokee Chief told his Grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil.
It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good.
It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about if for a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins??

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed".

There is a lesson to be learned here, let us not learn it the hard way.

Tick Tock Tic Tock and Breast Cancer is NOT Contagious!

Waiting for important things in your life are like looking at a 1500 mile stretch of road ahead. Of course things that seem important sometime are not at all but at the time you are thinking of them they are.

Tomorrow I go for pre admit, and on to the Oncologist. I am getting cold feet about the whole damm thing. I don't want the shot for my SNB, I don't want surgery, I DON'T want to do the rads and chemmo, BUT if I want to live this is my chance to prove it. How fair is that?

Yes I am definately feeling sorry for myself. lol tell me you wouldn't.

The other thing that is prying on my mind is that what happens to your friends when the shit hits the fan? I am here to tell ya that what I have is NOT CONTAGIOUS! All but one friend has fallen off the face of the earth. What the hell is that all about?

If I was a whinner I could understand, I simply said I have breast cancer and poof! Bitter yes indeed I am, seems to me I held their hands plently of times even held their hair when they were sick for a few. I don't want anything but how about a I'm sorry, lets go shopping, or lets make some art, or how about lunch or even just watch a great movie and eat ice cream?

Now that that is off my chest, (no pun intended) I can forgive, for they know not what they do to me, but God bless them, I may never understand it.

Decision Day

Decided to go with the current surgeon, soooooooooooooo my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist is next Wednesday, then on the 29th to get the injection of interferon for my sentinel node biopsy, and surgery to have the lumpectomy and node discection on the 30th.

Funny that my biggest worry is about the lymphnode stuff. I worry that it will damage my nerves and hinder my love of drawing and painting. You wouldn't believe what goes on in my head about this, worried that I will end up painting like Picasso is a frightening though. I know he was famous but not until he was dead! I have not got that scheduled into my planner! I am known for detail in my work, that is what I have always done best. Besides since I do not own a portable DVD player I plan on drawing in my art journal while undergoing the long hours of chemo. So yes I am worried.

The breast that will have the lumpectomy, and possible mastectomy can be rebuilt. Ha ha thats a good one I know it can but tell me, when I am old will I have one droopy and one stand upright? That makes a very funny picture in my mind. Sorry again for my sic sense of humor. It is all my mother's plastic surgeon fault (he rebuilt her nose out of her ear)! In his office he had a comic of two old people. The woman had beautiful breast all perky, the dream of a lifetime and the man well you know he was taking viagara BUT the rest of their bodies were all shrivled up like prunes. Well it was funny.

Love n' light

The Results are In

Yeah it sure sucks to be me right now, but I mean that in the nicest way. Isn't that what we are taught, to be nice at all costs? Even to ourselves.

Well here is the black and white of it. My core biopsy results show -Invasive ductal carcinoma, grade III/III. What does that mean? Simply put, as it was put to me is that I have 1. an invasive meaning it plans on screwing me by infiltrating wherever it can 2. That it is indeed cancer (no duh) 3. grade III (3) means it is the most aggressive. I will spare the GROSS details, because it is well uhhh GROSS!

The surgeon was a lot better today with me than she has been. Told me what she plans. A lumpectomy (good news) at least I get to keep my precious body part, and then she let the shoe drop on the lymp node thingy. She wants to take my nodes, and I want her to be conservative on that because I have no desire to go around with balloon arms. I asked how many, she said she didn't know. I asked how? and she said they inject blue intrferon dye and where the dye goes so does the node. Sounds like a soap, well never mind my sic humor again. I ended up telling her I would get back to her. She was like what do you mean get back to me? I simply have to think about this, get it through my head and then I can do it. I am in no big rush, I think a few days really won't matter at this point. I will decide between now and Friday, if she will be doing it or another doctor and what his opinion is.

I can also expect chemo and radiation oh joy just what I want a bunch of poison to kill the poisonous monster within. Gadzeeks I am dramatic! Hey maybe I will get a hat that says Chemo Girl! or RadWoman.

Well enough of this I have things to do! Got to make something, call a few people, and plan tomorrow with my youngest daughter and her lovely little angels.

The Start of the Unwanted Journey

On December the 5th, 2007 I started on this journey but it will NOT own me! However I feel the need to express the churning's and emotions that are contained inside me, otherwise I may blow up like the little girl that ate the blueberry candy on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and bust. Your welcome to read and I will understand if you don't wish to read the rantings of a mad woman.

I knew I had a lump, it had been there since June. when one morning I woke up and my itty bitty had an ugly bruise on it. The bruise lasted about 2 weeks, that is where the lump was. Funny thing I didn't remember getting roughed up anytime in the night, my hubby is way past that stage. I didn't remember getting drunk, and falling, or walking into anything, getting in a ruff and tumble with my grand kids, none of that. So I had an unexplained boo boo. After the bruise went away so did any more thoughts about it or the lumpy.

July there was no change. I didn't do the monthly breast exams so why would there be a change to compare with? August, September, same story. October I started not feeling too hot, but attributed it to lack of exercise, poor eating habits, not working ect. I told my husband hey maybe you should get me on your insurance pretty soon. Since I am never sick enough to warrant a Doctor visit, he didn't see the need. November, I was so busy doing all the great stuff for the holiday preparations, excited because my Grands were getting just the right age, that I can tell them stories of Santa. I was also going hot and heavy in my favorite art groups, making all kinds of stuff.

Then BOOM, one day in the shower I felt a rather large lump in my right breast. I wasn't looking for it, still not doing breast self exams. Please ladies do these exams, I cannot stress that enough! So having no insurance and slightly freaking out, I call around to find a clinic or doctor to do a free mammogram. No such luck, I did however find one that would give me one with payment options.

Dec 5, 2007 first appointment and many $$$'s later the good doctor is grim. You need a diagnostic mammogram, and x-ray. Down the hall.

the waiting begins...

Dec 18, 2007 Diagnostic Mammogram, ouch Don't they know it hurts to pull on those puppies? let alone squish them! Uh Oh lady you need to go to the Ultrasound room, the radiologist is waiting (in my head is piling up more $$$'s) OK so we do the ultrasound. Radiologist skirts around it but eventually says you have breast cancer. My question of the day is how does he know, answer? they know what they are looking at BIRADS V. I fall apart, I cry for about 5 minutes. IT WILL NOT OWN ME!

I cry alot lately off and on, try to stay tough repeating that little phrase "it will not own me" I will give it 5 minutes a week and that's all. Sounds great in theory.

Dec 21, 2007 Back to the doctor for confirmation. Confirmed. Now if this day isn't bad enough because of what happened last year! Seems like every Christmas has it's horror story. Last year my brother ended his own life, it absolutely devastated myself and my sister. The year before that my mom had colon cancer diagnosed just before Christmas (she is good now). The good doctor refers me to a surgeon.

Jan 3, 2008 Happy New Year you have to have a Core Biopsy ASAP! Why do you think surgeons are so dang cold. I think because they have to deal with all the blood and guts of an illness, they shut themselves down to emotion. I don't like my surgeon much, I picked her because she is a woman, she is a woman of color, had 32 years of experience. I figured she had to work harder than anyone else to get where she is. Why don't I like her? She is rough, manhandled my boobies like she is on a mission to kill! I will go for the biopsy, and then back to her to hear my options but I may ask for a second opinion. I know I am dragging my feet.

The waiting is impossible!

Jan 10, 2008 I go for the biopsy. I was so frightened beyond belief. I know my blood pressure was sky high, I was shaking and sweating. I am needle phobic. I curse under my breath, don't want to offend the dude with the needle!

True Confession - It wasn't all that bad. Yes it stung a little, and the sounds freaked me out, the position of my arms were uncomfortable, although the nurse did everything she could to make me comfortable. I didn't whine, like I thought I would, in fact I said nothing unless I was asked.

What they do is numb your boobie with something like what the dentist use, lidocaine, or some kind of caine. They also turn you away so it is impossible for you to watch. The make a tiny cut, insert a hollow tube needle into the tumor. I had this done 9 times. It depends how big the tumor is they have to have several samples. The purpose of this test is to type and stage your cancer. Then they insert a little tiny titanium chip called a tumor marker so they can identify the spot in the future. Tape you up with suture tape and send for another mamo to check the chip. Yeah all done! I was given a bag of peas for an ice pack. Here I was expecting a lolly pop and got a bag of peas! I had more fun than I should of with the peas, I told my hubby on the way out the door that he could expect peas for supper! I thought he would toss it right there.

The boobie is still sore, and black and blue all over. It hurts a little but I know what I can and cannot do. It is temporarily and some day I will wish that was all I had to worry about. Now the game is on, my next appointment is Jan 15th.

The waiting sucks.

This graphic is from http://members.fortunecity.com/kaywyne/snowglobes_index.htm Thank You Kay