Im burnin, Im burnin, Im burnin for you

Yesterday I went to the radiation center. I was so afraid and alone my skin was crawling. What you say...she was afraid? how could that be? Well chemo scared me yes, but for some reason radiation scares me more. I guess because I know it could compromise my physical comfort zone. I mean I purposely stay OUT of the sun to avoid sunburn because it makes me so miserable for so long, make me nauseous, itchy, not to mention the pain of burns. Yes I am afraid, and yes I am a big wuss so sue me.

My youngest daughter went with me to all my chemo sessions and I got through them like a breeze, lucky me. There were times I was having problems but I am tough so I made it through. I will make it through this too but yesterday no one in the world could have convince me of that.

So anyway, on the way naturally I was listening to my very loud radio on my favorite classic rock station, and they started playing this song that in the beginning didn't quite register. You know how you listen to music and just sing along and don't really pay attention? Well I got to the chorus part and it hit me. How freakin ironic this song is playing, and I didn't know if I should laugh or cry so I did what any red blooded woman would do and did both! Ha ha yes I know silly but nevertheless ..... so anyway

If you want to hear the song click on the music box top right of page

And here are the lyrics
Home in the valley
Home in the city
Home isnt pretty
Aint no home for me

Home in the darkness
Home on the highway
Home isnt my way
Home Ill never be

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
I cant see no reason to put up a fight
Im living for givin the devil his due
And Im burnin, Im burnin, Im burnin for you
Im burnin, Im burnin, Im burnin for you

Time is the essence
Time is the season
Time aint no reason
Got no time to slow

Time everlasting
Time to play b-sides
Time aint on my side
Time Ill never know

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
Im not the one to tell you whats wrong and whats right
Ive seen suns that were freezing and lives that were through
And Im burnin, Im burnin, Im burnin for you
Im burnin, Im burnin, Im burnin for you

On with it, I went and was promptly put into a room with two men. They were stranger and I was nakie from the waist up. Does the word uncomfortable come to mind? I know they are professionals, and have seen millions of boobs before me, (ha ha) not that I am a boob! but hey they never saw mine! and mine never saw them! So yes I was uncomfortable and embarrassed. You would think that I would cease to feel this way after all I have been through but there it is.

They went on to explain how this was going to go, the drawing of lines with a sharpie marker all over my chest, then the laying of the thin wire, going into the CT machine and then meeting yet another doctor who would come in a speak to me. After all that the tattoos. Yes they drop little blobs of ink on you and take a needle and poke ya in the weirdest places leaving permanent marks. Looking at them now I wonder how they will tell which are freckles and which are tattoos? I suppose the redness will eventually subside. So my chest now looks like a dot to dot page from one of the kids activity books. Talk about graffiti! a new body art form "boob graffiti" interesting concept.

A Decision Was Made
I made a rather important decision. No one was there but the doctor and myself as he explained that I should consider getting radiation to my lymphnodes. Ok well I thought this was already worked out so it came as a surprise to me.

Lymphnode radiation is highly controversial he told me, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. So ok my mind is lacking at this point so I ask him what are the consequences? Definitely more problems concerning lymphedmia in my right arm and side. Explain problems? well you could swell up to 4 or 5 times more than it is now. Question from me - would I still be able to do detail drawing, writing, using my arm? Answer - not sure but there is always physical therapy (yeah for the rest of my life). Ok I say, give me percentages please. Hell he doesn't know I suck a math especially percentages but what the heck I thought if I acted smart he may tell me more. He was definitely going for the YES answer. So he told me, well....no one really knows for sure yet, it is still experimental but, 10% is the bottom line. So that is 5% that it will help, and 5% that it won't? yes he said. So my decision is that NO I will not endure radiation to my arm or lymphnodes. It is a chance I am willing to take, however I can't say this choice would be the same for everyone. He said that there is a chance that cancer remains in my lymph system, but if the chemo didn't get it and there is no way of telling, then to me it makes sense that if - that little f****er is still there it has long since travelled to other places. I will just have to deal with it then. Oh and did I mention the cost? OMG! between $1200.00 and $30,000.00 per treatment and with no insurance I won't even live long enough to pay it all, even if I make it to my 90's! Add the rads to the lymphnodes and up that anty again. So I am not usually a gambling person but this time I am taking my chances and pray I am right.

After all that, I had to remain completely still as I went into the tube while it clicked and clicked. That was nothing, I am not claustrophobic and the hardest part was to be still. I swear the blood on me pools if I remain in any one position for more than say 5 minutes. I did it though with the threat of "or we will have to start over!" ha ha no way jose' I will not move no matter how painful. They practically had to lift me off the table as my back was frozen by the time we got done. The good news is that during the actual radiation it will be no more than 11 minutes and no less than 5 mins.

My bobbie shots went before a panel of "experts" to determine the least invasive angles in which to radiate me. They will call me in a week or less to give me my actual schedule, because once you start they don't want to stop unless you have an emergency situation or become ill. The techie guys, yeah I forgot their names told me that I am not allowed to diet and must eat properly. It appears that the weight loss that I may have is because radiation burns calories - alot. They said I will become more tired but they think because I handled chemo so well that I will have no problems with this. I am not a complainer usually and I try not to bi**h alot so they said I will do fine, bite the bullet and ride the wave to recovery. Ha ha so poetic.

After that I went to the billing managers office. I figured that was coming. She kept me a long time, very nice lady. I won't go into the details but I have to agree to a payment plan and stick to it. She told me about going to CFS to apply for Breast and Uterine Cancer insurance from the state. Well dang, no one told me about this being offered before. Not sure I can qualify because I didn't qualify for state assistance before because of $7.00 - yes that's right seven. There are a few other things I need to check out too.

On the way home guess what song was playing? (answer below)

All in all my visit lasted from 11am until 2:30, got home at 3pm exhausted. Skipped eating all day and took a nap instead. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.



"We are the Champions" by Queen one of my favorite groups!

Just Wanted to Share

I read this on one of my list this morning and wanted to share it. Since I have no real news to share about me or mine thought this would fill in the blanks, and it so mirrors my thoughts even though I did not write it.

Note: This poem was one of Audrey Hepburn's favourite poems to quote,
and has been erroneously attributed to her. It was actually written by
Sam Levenson and read by Audrey Hepburn on Christmas Eve, 1992
and also on occasion when she was asked for beauty tips.
[From Audrey Hepburn by Barry Paris, 1996, Putnam]

Audrey Hepburn although before my time was one of my most favorite actresses to watch over and over again. I have to admit I am an old movie lover.


Time Tested Beauty Tips
by Sam Levenson


For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise,
Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored,
renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed;
Never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself,
the other for helping others.





By Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
From his book: "In One Era & Out the Other"

And So Life Goes On ...a breast cancer soap story

"I am the one who is strong enough to carry the life that God has given me" I don't know where this came from but I like it, I feel it and I borrowed it. If I am overstepping here someone tell me.

Ok well I went for all my appointments this week and don't know a whole lot more than I did last week.
Chemo is done for that I am truly grateful! I am totally exhausted and sleeping alot more for some reason, my nerves are a bit edgy as I get closer to radiation. Silly I know but anything new upsets my self lately. Still in my mind I am doing the happy dance that no more infusions. I wish they would take my port out but they want to leave it there "just in case". Ha just in case well I don't plan on a "just in case!" Wondering how far the mind can heal a person before she looses the mind? ya more dark humor that few understand.

So the new radiation doctor was very nice. I hope they don't switch me again, as I said I don't deal well with changes. I miss the original doctor, she was the bomb! On the 16th I will go for a simulation, this is where they do everything to get you ready and do a mock radiation treatment. The next day will start my treatments that will be for every day at the same time. The doc said that I can expect to feel like I have a bad sunburn on my little itty bitty. Ya I say easy for you with the dark skin. I have paper white skin on that area and oh I don't like sunburn. I guess I need a gallon or two of Aloe Gel and some creams. I have a few to try so try I will. I had some BP problems while there but there was good reason, however in spite of that she decided to give me some anti anxiety drugs, nothing much just a little something to take the edge off.

What got me going before the appointment was this. I was about ready to leave and just outside my door is a strung out little chick with her ginormous pit bull who was about to take a crap in my yard right in front of my porch. I see her and start yelling "ARE YOU LETTING YOUR DOG SHIT IN MY YARD????????????????????????" along with some other bad words. She just looks at me and says "oh sorry" so I ask her if she would like a bag? and she said no, were ok. Well this sent me over the edge more than a bit. I know I scared the crap out of her and the dog obviously because his turd went right back up where is came from and they moved on down the street. I mean come the hell on! I would never consider letting my dog do that whilst on a leash especially! I think the girl was a bit "cracked out" she looked it unless it was pure fear. I have had a problem with this dog before he likes to get on my porch when he gets out and pee on my chairs. I don't know where they live but when I find out, I may be calling someone to make her understand the facts of life of living within the city limits with a dog. As you can see I am still PO'ed.

So I am driving to my doctor's office that is less than a mile away and get behind a long stream of traffic. Ok well that is pretty normal in the am around our little town. No problem, the sign is posted 25mph. Well behind me is some big wheeled black truck with loud rap music playing and suddenly the music is off and the driver starts yelling at me out the window, followed by gestures of all sorts, name calling, etc. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!! is it my fault the speed limit is 25mph? Is it my fault all the people in front of me travel to work at their own pace? heck no so do I take all this abuse? Hell NO! So I just gesture back as any red blooded, already stress out woman would do. So this truck guy decides he is going to take a side street and try to cut people off. Ok I think good luck with that, it's your dream make it whatever you want. Low and behold the person when he gets there to cut off just happens to be...............you guessed it me! Again I am like oh Hell NO! I speed up a bit and oops he can't cut in without hitting me or the car behind me. Ha ya trick, though you were gonna one up me did ya? Ok so I am sometimes a bit extreme but damn I get just as irritated as the next girl and was feeling my Cheerios. I continued on to the doctor and the results were an agitated, higher than normal BP so I was pardoned after I explained it.

Yesterday I went to a church. It was to meet with someone that Social Security wanted to do a mental health check on me. Well not sure how I did but I am here to tell ya, I don't think I could pass the test on a good ole normal day! I mean who was the president in 1879? how the heck should I know, I was absent from school that day. Guess what the guy asking didn't know either because I asked him ok well who was it? No answer, well either that it is hidden by the Pentagon or something of the secret service dept. Geesh! I had around 4 hours of testing, and it was about math, which I truly suck, and the order of things, playing with blocks, remembering too much (not my strong point) so on average not sure how I scored. That is another secret. He dug into my brain, until it made me cry. His questions about my brother, my mother, my family in general. Then asked me if I was depressed? Well gee whiz I wasn't until I came here! you jerk! Truly I was happily skipping along until that little interview and testing. Trust me it does nothing for your self esteem. So after all that I was told to go home. Will I succeed in getting disability? doubt it. You know that really frost my pumpkin! If I was a drug addict or alcoholic I would get it, if I wanted to pretend to have a pinched nerve in my back or neck I would get it. I just want a little help until I am able to work, it isn't like I am ready to retire. Our government truly sucks ass.

So in spite of the above mentioned. All is well. On with my life and try to make each day a new one. I am starting aging of thinking about my crafts and drawing all the things that make me happy. I just need to get my hands and feet working properly so I do more than make a mess. My hair is starting to grow in, it is very curly more so than before. I think I will need the industrial flat iron in the future. Not sure of the color as it seems to change every day. My fingernails are still striped and very breakable. They are sensitive too, kind of like when you break a nail way far down, you know that icky feeling you get? I still have the needle jabs and numbness in my lower limbs and hands and the lymphedemia is still present but manageable. All in all considering what I have read from other BC persons I am doing quite well. It all a day in the life of survivorship.

Out of the Darkness

YaaaaaaYhoooooooooooo! I finished my last chemo yesterday, now I just have a week for feeling miserable from this stuff one last time, and hopefully it won't happen again! Anyway knowing that this step is over at last, will make it go quicker and part of me will be shining through and maybe not feeling so bad.

I do have some residual effects going on like the nerve pain called neuropathy. My lower legs, feet, and my fingers are numb most of the time now and feel at times like someone is sticking me with tiny little needles at the most inopportune times. This too will go away. I try to walk, and squeeze a rubber ball to combat it which sometimes works and sometimes does not work. My fingernails have stripes on them going across the nail and they have thinned alot, and are very tender. My toenails are ugly but they were before anyway. Hey they didn't fall off! Yippie!

I also have some weird memory problems, like forgetting what I am doing, or saying in the middle of a sentence. I use to multitask quite well and now I can't but I am told this will not last forever a year at the most.

Then there is the fear of wondering if this will manifest it's ugly face again in the same, or other part of my body. I try to think positive, but know I have to be aware of changes in my body and get regular check ups which is not one of my strong points. I never went to doctors before this, I ministered myself and this is where I landed. I don't want this fear to take over but believe me it has a mind of it's own and is always there pecking and nagging me. As I said before, it is not the fear of dying but more of the fear of what I would have to go through. It sort of chips away at your spirit being pumped full of drugs, changing your usual way of life, and all the other crap you go through. Not to mention the look in my precious children and grandchildren and my pets who still need me. Of course I know all my relatives love and want me around but they don't need me. So all of this wrapped into a big ball causes the fear.

In a week or two I get to start radiation that will bring me to the New Year. It is scary to me to know that I will first be tattooed, manipulated into impossible positions, and get a beam of radiation to whatever parts necessarily. I asked the reason for this and was told that it will get the stragglers. The tiny cancer seeds that don't die or escape that I undoubtedly have because I have an aggressive metastatic brand of cancer. So if I wish to continue on with body parts that I don't want to loose I will do this. It will make me tired, and all of the stuff I have heard is very rare. Tiredness is the top complaint, burning on sensitive skin that has never seen the sun is another. So OK I can do this! The whole process of this daily activity will take about 15 minutes total, from undress to treatment to re dress and out the door. It will me a mild inconvenience to have to go everyday but at least it is really just a short drive down the street.

I was told that I will have to keep my port in place for about a year. The infusion center is happy about that, because then they get to see me once a month for flushing the port. Ha ha didn't know I was so loved. They are a really great group of professionals and they liked me because I didn't sit there and whine. I yelled once but with good reason lol. I like to ride the wave of benadryl they give me rather than sleep it off. Yesterday they got me though, my daughter didn't go with me this time and they gave me 50mgs of benadryl instead of the usual 25 - 35 mg and it finally got me and I hope I didn't snore.

Well that's it for now, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Hope I could help some of you who may be going through this. Oh yes I almost forgot my hair is growing! My Onc Dr. McDreamy Funnyman said it will start growing really fast now that chemo is done. Wonder if he just said that to uplift my spirit?

Update on stuff

Sorry I haven't posted in a while for those interested. I haven't had a big presence on the Internet lately including my groups.
I am tired! just not feeling the love of Internet right now, in part because I feel like I am really fighting within right now with this monster and in part because I am just plain tired from all the chemo. This too shall pass. I am not down in spirit just blah.

Had some bad news of late. My daughter in law's father has received news that he has terminal lung and liver cancer. They offered him treatment that would extend his life for 12 to 18 months, the other option is that he do nothing and has 3 to 6 months. He chooses to do nothing. I have to respect his individual decision, however it angers me that a person will not at least try to live. But as I said it is his decision. Hospice arrived at his house last Friday and set up so I think he will not be with us long. Sad for my daughter in law and her children and of course her Mother so I pray for their peace.

Second my Mother In Law passed away last Sunday morning. She was 96 yrs old. By the time I got to her, one hour later to say goodbye she was already gone. She was a good woman, always taking care of others and will be sadly missed by all of her family. She passed of old age, she had osteoporosis and degenerative disc and spine disease that became infected and infiltrated her kidneys she was in great pain for two weeks. I am glad she no longer suffers. She was cremated today and shipped to Jamestown NY her home town.

Lastly a long time acquaintance of mine who also had breast cancer passed this past weekend. She leaves behind her son, age 25 and her daughter, age 23. Judy was a strong woman, courageous, and very down to earth. I met her in 1990 when she came to work at WalMart. Her husband passed away that Christmas, and we became friends. Four years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer, she was devastated but decided to fight for her life. Her cancer was removed and she went through treatment and it metastasized to her ovaries, which were promptly removed along with all the other parts, then it spread to her bones, liver and etc. She undergone various treatment each time loosing hair, teeth, weight, gaining weight all the stuff that happens. I am angry that her last day on earth was spent working at friggin WalMart! but I am glad she no longer suffers. Rest in peace girlfriend.
So if you all want to pray for all of these souls and their families you would be doing me a great service because I can use all the help I can get. I don't care what religion, color, orientation etc you are, I am sure that God listens to us all.

Cry Me A River

I don't know what the problem is but I am having one. I cannot concentrate on jack crap these days, I feel weak and tired all the time and my self esteem is at an all time low. Cry me a river. I get my overly happy manic moments too, wow hormonal? I think I am stuck in the "POOR ME" phase of this BS so I am trying not to post.

Had my weekly dose of chemo last Thursday. It was fun, oh ya....no blood return on that port again. My left arm is all black and blue again from them trying to get a little blood out of me. My body just don't want to give it up! I ended up being at the center for 5 hours, and then had to go back at night to try again. I got the chemo, and finally at 6:30 pm we got a blood return! I was exhausted. Got home got ready for bed and decided to check my email. Suddenly I am wired and awake until 1 AM, last night same thing only I was up until 2:30 AM. Thinking I will go to bed early tonight and hopefully nothing will kick in to prevent that. Maybe it is the steroids? Who knows but it makes me eat that's for sure.

Today My HERO Died

Today my one and only real hero stepped on through to the other side. My hero's name you ask? Professor Randy Pauch.

In case you don't know who he is, he was the energetic, beautiful man that gave "The Last Lecture" at the Carnegie Mellon University at Pittsburgh where he was a professor.

His body was consumed with cancer, his life and time limited, but what he left behind was even more than a simple gift of true love for humankind. He left us the ultimate gifts of courage, hope, humor. He shared with us the heartbreak, laughter, dreams of adventure, faith, teaching us that life in its fullness is good.

I have been saying a lot, mostly to my kids lately that we are given gifts in our life, we are born with them, it is like a toolbox of life. It is our choice how we use the tools. We are given everything we need to survive and become whatever we want to become, well I believe that Randy Pauch knew how to use the tools and he tried desperately to teach us how to use them. He said once that as we progress through life there are roadblocks and brick walls, they are put there for a reason, we are suppose to knock them down, that is part of our purpose, our learning process. I guess that is one of the major reasons I loved this man, it is the way I have always felt about life. Too bad I didn't listen sooner, and learn how to use my tools.

Randy was enormous. It is as if he was a good soul that was on loan to us. He is gone now and will be sadly missed by this person but I do understand the process and I know that his energy abounds. I will continue to pray for his wife and children so that they may seek comfort in their time of need.

On Tuesday night, ABC will be airing a 2 hr special on Randy Pauch. I strongly urge you to watch it, even after his death he is leaving a strong message and I guarantee you will benefit some way in your life if you watch it and listen. Even if you are as healthy as an ox you will benefit.

Peace and Love Randy, enjoy your journey.

Chemo, Pedicures, Manicures, Steakhouse Blues and Beads! OH MY!!!

Yesterday I went for my new chemo regime that will be for the next 12 weeks every week. The new drug of choice is Taxol. This one takes 3 hrs tops to get er done. They gave me some pre meds like Benedryl, Dexamethasone, and Lorazepam and Zofran along with some saline. This stuff almost put me in dreamland but my daughter was with me so she kept me awake. The pre meds are to keep me from getting sick from the new poison. The nurse gave me a print out, which I glanced over a little and she asked me some questions. The head nurse came over and gave me some cute little caps she was saving for me. That was sweet of her, I guess she is tired of my old ones lol but I do have my favorites. The girls there are so nice!

Afterwards I wanted to come home and take a nap but my darling 7yr old grand daughter is here so...........she and Tama decided that G'ma needed a pedicure and manicure. We went and we all got our toe nails and finger nails done.

Mai and I got patrotic and got flags on our big toes and thumbs and red with sparkles on the rest except I got fireworks on my fingernail. Tama wasn't that adventurous but still stylish. I had to be a kid of course and entertain my Mai! I got to say that pedicure thing is the way to go! You sit in a massage chair, soaking your feet in a bubble jet and this Korean girl comes and descales your feet and massages your calves and feet then she does the cuticles and cuts and files. It is so relaxing. Wish I could do it more often. I don't know what it cost but I would bet more than $100.00 for the three of us. Tama was feeling wealthy after working a 40 hr. week with 70 hrs. overtime. She is exausted but having fun with the money. You can see how swollen my hands and feet are due to the chemo and, I still have old and ugly feet and hands but hey I used them alot!

After all that we went to the Japaneese Steakhouse for dinner. It is called Osaka's. Awsome food, and way more than any of us could eat. I brought alot of it home and it will feed me a week but if it isn't gone in 3 days out it goes. I suppose I could freeze it. Tama took home 3 containers and when she woke up this morning it was all gone! Her boyfriend and his buddies got the munchies sometime durrning the night while she was finally sleeping. She wasn't so happy about that so I offered her mine but she wouldn't take it. I think when my big Sissy and my Neice come we should go there, my neice is a vegetarian and I think she would like it besides it is way cool, they cook the food in front of you on a huge grill and it is so entertaining! They do have meat for us carnivors though and seafood if you want it.

When we got back Tama left for the night and Mai and I made paper beads until 10pm. I put her to bed, she camped out on my bedroom floor, we made her a bed with the couch cushions and she was comfy. I was exausted but so wound up and couldn't sleep. I stayed up until 2am reading. Got up bright and early this am and now I can't wait for bedtime! I am still jittery from the chemo though so who knows if I will sleep. Wish me luck!

Ok so here's the deal. I was sick as hell the last few days but seem to be alright now. I am still feeling the effects of the last chemo, and I am so glad that it was the last of that particular poison. I think another and it would have landed me in the local hospital Hilton. My blood pressure is still flip flopping and my guts still feel like they are being turned inside out but I am better!

On a happy note, I retrieved my Momma from the hospital yesterday. Her surgery was a week ago today and my God she is unbelievable! She is sore as heck, this time they used staples. Yes they look just like the ones we load into our staple guns to tack up wood and stuff. She has a strong appetite and is content, the only thing I know that would make her happier is that if she got expanded cable. She only wants it so she can watch the rest of race season but when I go visit today I will ask her if she wants me to order it for her.

Oh did I mention that my hair is trying to grow back? yup I have about 1/4 inch of white stuff. Yes white, I think maybe my red hair is gone forever. We will see, the doc told me not to get use to it because the next round of chemo will most likely fry it off again. In spite of the lack of hair, it is still HOT but I blame that on the Florida weather.

Well that is about it for today, have not done much to write about. I did work on a few crafty things here and there and will try to post them on my other blog sometime today.

I May Have Crashed, But I Didn't Burn!

NOTE * If your here to see the Queen of the Night she is on the other blog about art and you can get there by clicking the link on the top right of this page.



Well what a exciting day! Started as usual, me causing a ruckus in the chemo room. I swear they are just too stoic in there! So Tama and I were talking and laughing and soon everyone in the room joined in. My "new" nurse said oh I see we have a comic in the house, my reply was oh yes they book me every three weeks, to provide you with quality entertainment. The regular nurse Kristin was there and she pipes in "oh we have missed you!"
There was a conversation about cows going on it was so dang funny I had tears running down my cheeks. A couple of the nurses that bring supplies in were talking about their pet chickens, which led to pet cows and they were trying to one up each other. Well the one nurse started talking about the names she gave her cows Mr. T and Elsie the other one say well my cowssssssssss names are Bar B Que, Brisket and Rump Roast. Why the heck I found this so funny I don't know but I couldn't let it go. But I can't help but wonder what they call the pigs!

So on with the Crash

Had my last of the koolaid (adyramycin, cyotoxin) cocktail today and my body objected heavily. I really didn't know it, I was too busy trying to keep focused on my panicked daughters face, and was speaking in a forign language obviously because no one knew what the heck I was saying, including me lol.

My blood pressure dropped suddenly from 147/87 to 99/62, I was cold, then hot, then cold ping ponging. I stopped breathing according to the machine but I swear once again I was breathing just fine, slower maybe but breathing. The heart monitor said my heart was going wonky. The questions were do you have heart problems, no I say none - what? answer the question! I did answer the damm question NO HEART PROBLEMS! ok roger that.

The nurse is a tattle tale too she is going to call the doctor and tell him how I am so he knows when I go for my shot tomorrow. Kill joy!

Well it turns out that it was either from not eating before chemo, or because the nurse was pushing it in too hard and fast. Who knows but I am ok now and don't remember that much. After that my daughter took me to lunch at Quiznos.

So any way that is done and I am happy. In three weeks I will start 12 (not 10 as origionally told) weekly treatments of Taxol. Another chemo. The doctor said it will be like a walk in the park compared to this. The nurse said, yeah well you will loose anymore hair you may have, and your nails could fall off, you could break out ect. Everyone reacts differently she said, and you will have compazine with it.
This nurse is so full of hope. She needs some "Moon" style lessons on her bedside manner to be sure, but hey guess you can't be mad at the messenger.

The one think I hope it doesn't affect is the brain cells, I am having alot of trouble with remembering what I did, when I did it and sometimes I just don't care enough to remember because well ...... I don't remember! LOL such is life and it will go on.

YeeeeeeHawwwww! sometimes ya just gotta grab life by the balls and run!

On a Positive Note!

I got some really GREAT new today! I went to the doctor and the doctor said....... next week will be your last A/C treatment! He said I only had to have the four (4) count em of the A/C. After this last one, in 3 weeks I will start the next one, of Taxol for 10 weeks uggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. That's once a week for ten weeks and then if all is good I will be done with the chemo phase of the treatments. He said that the taxol is like a walk in the park compared to the A/C so I am counting on his expertise. Hopefully it won't make me sick.

My hair is actually trying to grow, little fuzzies but not sure if I will keep it. The doc said probably not. My eyelashes are thinning in spots but I am an expert at mascara and hide it well.

I've Got Chemo Brain...What's Your Excuse?

Ok I am convinced it is official, chemo brain has set in. I have always been proficient at multitasking, lately I am lucky if I can remember one little thing. Regular stuff seems like a far reach lately, like remebering if I just went to the bathroom for instance. Funny you would think any normal person would know lol it is sneeking into my brain cells. Another thing, who thought that watercolors actually bleed? why in the world would water make them run? Oh my! If that isn't enough I added more sugar and creamer to my already fixed cuppa, yuck! I do not like that much goo in my java.

On a more positive note, I woke up this morning with Bob Marley singing to me, yup at 5:15am he was singing the song "Every Little Things Gonna Be Allrightttt" of course once I was awake I realized he wasn't really in my bedroom playing his guitar. Now that song, like a worm, is stuck in my head weaving it's way throughout my day. I did go back to sleep until 7:30 wondering if I pee'd or not? who knows? but I do know that Bob Marley is still singing to me! and I have to pee.

I hear that reading, and art makes the boogy man go away, I have been trying that. So far the study I am performing is unfounded. What am I reading you ask? hell if I know I can't find my book!

I think I will get my shower and visit my Momma today, I think she is wanting to go to Wal-Greens, hope we can find the store!

PS I had to come back, I forgot to tell you that the baby should be here on the 6th, providing Ama doesn't do anything stupid like go into labor before that!

Grandma Again (almost)

Wow looks like I may be a Grandma again by the weekend! I am worried to death about it because my daughter has a condition called placenta previa. She is on strict bed rest until Friday when the doctor will decide if she will have a C-Section and which day they pick. Of course you who know Ama, knows that she is kicking and screaming about all this. For instance, the bed rest that she was ordered on? well that will start today even though the order was given two days ago. Why? because Ama said "she had things to do!" If I could smack her rear I would just to set her in line! She is scared of the C-Sec and no amount of Mom talk or Sis talk is helping her with that. I wish I could be there with her at this time.

Her little sister is trying to make plans to go up there, and no one is talking. I think she plans on staying and is afraid to tell me that. I did see her post on myspace though and that is the indication. I think she should go, and get out of this town and try to make a new life but, and there is one...I wish she would go to another part of the state. She and her sis will not get along for very long when they live in close proximity to each other. No one will miss her as much as me, I cry just thinking about it but I do want whats best for her, so she will never know. She doesn't read this blog, because she doesn't know about it so I can say what I want here lol.

Today will be my third chemo. I dread this process, and in the back of my mind I am afraid of this time. I don't have a clue why, maybe it is because yesterday the nurses at the hospital kept asking me how I feel, and if I was sick ect. It is kind of like when you go out and party and drink way too much and make yourself sick. Why would ya? well that is how I feel about chemo. It is much the same feeling. I did get some more drugs (just what I needed) to deal with the aftereffects. The trouble is that one of them makes me super susceptible to any kind of germs, so what now am I suppose to live in a bubble? Just call me bubbles now there's a thought!

So I may sound a little bummed today, but there is light at the end of this somewhere I just have to find it, and find it I will. Still believing that everything happens for a reason, I have to try and keep a light heart

As If I Didn't Have Enough!

Wow is all I can say right now. Our family took another hit below the belt yesterday. I took my Mom to get her checkup and colonoscopy and heard the dreaded words "her cancer is back". I guess I knew in my heart that is the news we would hear, because I knew it was only a matter of time.

Two years ago she found out about the cancer, had a resection and was declared cancer free. She opted for no additional treatment - no chemo or rads. I was like ok with it because she was cancer free. I still thought that it would come back one day and it has hung like a cloud for 2 years.

I am not sure how I am suppose to juggle my treatments and her crisis at this point but I have to think it will all work out. She will be having surgery as soon as possible, the doctor will call to set it up as soon as the labs confirm what he said was 95% sure to be.

So it is a sad day around here, I hate to see her go through this again. She is 83 and a strong woman but at 83 I am not sure how much her little body can take. I can't help but wonder if she "knew" and didn't complain because of my situation. I suppose I will never know for sure.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had
only two hairs on her head."H-M-M," she said,"I think I'll part my
hair down the middle today?"
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she
had only one hair on her head."Well," she said,"today I'm going to
wear my hair in a pony tail."So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that
there wasn't a single hair on her head."YEA!" she exclaimed,"I don't
have to fix my hair today!"

Don't try this at home!

Got Cancer?

Here is a little movie to explain a few things. It embodies the way you must feel in order to survive.

The Survivor Movie

I have just come off a 5 day Chemo drunk as I call it. I was good on thursday, and ok on friday then all hell broke loose. Sick and sicker but thanks to the powers that be I am feeling quite well today! I call it a chemo drunk because it feels alot like morning sickness, motion sickness, then hangover from when you drank way too much. We have all been there right? well maybe not but I have and now I am revisiting that old sick feeling without the benefit of the night before. LOL

I will say this, it had better work this shot because I will not be doing this again. I have 19 more fricken weeks to go, and I won't give up but by then enough will be enough. After this I have to get that thing called radiation, not too please with that though but will give it a shot.

Anyway watch the movie, it is awsome, it says it all. Hugs for now!

I May Be Loosing My Hair But I Still Have My Wings!

Aw www the things we do to amuse ourselves. Today I am clowning around a bit. It all started in the shower, yes weird I know. Well I am minding my own business and suddenly I think I have a bug on me, jump and almost fall, another bug JUMP DAMMIT! No bugs thank the good bug God, just more hair and more and more. Jump and look again just in case.

So it is like hair autumn around here and I am contemplating shaving my head and getting it over with, but if I shave my head will I not have a bunch of tiny hairs to deal with? GROSS!

I get out of the shower and find one of Grandma Harriet's old scarves, thinking AHA AA I will tie it up to catch what must fall. Well I suck at scarves, it better be a ready made Do Rag that I just have to knot or it just isn't gonna happen. Then I remember the hat my sissy bought me, along with a fall. Well I don't need the fall yet but here's to the HAT!

As I was messing around, playing dolly makeup with my face and hat I got to thinking I still have my wings! So some of you may know what the hell I am talking about eh Sis? LOL!!!!! I will always have my wings! It runs in the family. Decided to take a pic, this ones for you my dear sweet sister whom I miss SOOOOOOOOFREAKING BAD right now!

Today is my little Ashton's 2nd Birthday, and I don't get to see him. I am sad over that. The daycare has a run on chicken pox, runny nose's and croup. I cannot see my babies until the threat is gone. I miss them. That's OK I am sure they want to see me next year, and the years to come, so be it.
this is Ash looking tough. Hmmmmmm wonder if he would let me borrow his ball cap?

Hair Watch not Baywatch

Ya know I think it is funny that some of my friend, family and care taker's are on hair watch lately.

This is for you NOPE NOT YET.....but soon. It is coming out by the hands full today, all I have to do it touch it. My roots are sore but remember I have a heck of a lot of hair. It doesn't even look thin yet.

My charming hubby make a crack last night about how it could come out just on top and he could just see me with the Bozo effect! LOL well if that happens, I honestly will be tempted to put on Bozo makeup just for the occasion! Well it was funny oh how we amuse ourselves.....

It is quite annoying today though, I keep getting hairs where I don't want them to land, like in my food, my mouth, my dogs mouth, the table, the sink well you get the picture. Well at least it isn't the chunks of hair I heard about.

So for now we are on RED ALERT for HAIR WATCH!

Good Day (said in the Paul Harvey tone)

The Party's Over

Ok after one week of hell I feel GREAT! and I still have my hair!!!

Let me tell you about Neulasta, not a pretty story so if you don't want to hear me bitch and complain go to the next paragraph. I got my Neulasta shot, no big deal right? well on last thursday at 3am I woke up with the most ungodly pains throughout my whole body, no temp, but uncontrollable shaking. I never felt so much pain and that would include all previous operations and childbirthing. So I took my pain meds that I had left over from the lymph node dissection. I got sick, sick and sicker and still ached all over. I think I now know how one feels to be put on a
15th century stretcher you know the ones used for torture. Called the doctor and they called in another script for something different, unfortunately same results. I was told that is because I am so young, and my bones are "younger" than my real age. Go figure.

ok so today I go see my Dr. McDreamy and he tells me that the next time and I am saying what makes you think I will do that again????are you nuts???? he said "THE NEXT TIME sigh lets try taking a Clairatin before the shot". Apparently there have been studies going on about how Clairatin helps people who suffer bone pain from Neulasta. Ok, I agreed, leaning towards the door. He also said that with each chemo treatment the pain from Neulasta will go away because my body will actually need it more. Next I asked how many more treatments because I knew I had to have 6 rnds of A/C but thought Taxol was a pill. No he said Taxol will be once a week for 9weeks. All in all I am looking at 21 more weeks of this crap. The Taxol he said would be like a walk in the park, which is ok with me as long as the temperature isn't over 75* I also lost two more pounds, that is 4 in one week, heck maybe mama was right. (see below about the Chemo Diet)

So after all that I came home, so I don't catch any cooties from being out in public without my armor and painted a picture for Earth Day. That's over on my other blog. Great Day, beautiful weather, happy puppy, what more could I ask for?

Oh hey try the new Ocean Spray cranberry and pomegranit juice with a shot of gingerale and slice of lemon, and lots of ice, taste like a wine cooler but much healthier.